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Author
The author is a paranoid, deranged and cynical misanthrope who records snippets of her life so that she will remember them when she grows old and withered. The identities of any names or initials on this blog are based on the assumptions of the reader unless otherwise specified, and the author claims no responsibility for them.
Reality
The author somehow got into medical school. Yes, you of the general public, shudder and fear the wrath of an inept doctor.
Loves
Reading, Maisy (my dog), tea, writing (albeit badly), piano, music, junk food.
Hates
Almost everything else besides the things mentioned above.
Friends
Bao Cheng' Bernice' Chien Young' Chun Hing' Claire' Faustina' Felicia' Ferly' Gloria' Irene' Irene & Jiaying' Jac' Jiamin' Jiasin' Jiaying' Lutheng' Karene' Marissa' Melesa' Mingyi' My fictionpress' Pamelia' Pei Rong' Qiu Ting' Rachel' Satires Site' Stasia' Sylvia' The Clique' Vinette' Wenjia' Xin Rong' Xue Ying' Yanne & I' Yanne & Jamie' Zeena' 203'
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Chat area
Despite not having the purest of motives for doing Medicine, I've always been able to scrape through with decent grades without doing that much studying (the usual week or 2 cram-fest before the exams). I don't think it's going to work this year.
I think having my first borderline score, however unfair I think it is (and it's worth just about nothing at all), has really awoken me to the very real possibility of flunking the year. With the motivation-o-meter reaching near rock-bottom, it's feeling more of a reality than possibility.
(Borderline score was by some silly reg who thought that because he gave me nearly all above expectations for history/examination, he had to give me a borderline for something as lame as consideration of psychosocial aspects of illness to make it not look faked -.-)
Being on a bedside tute with 2 other crazy smart people hasn't helped. I feel totally out of my depth, and in spite of telling myself that I really need to study to stop appearing like a complete buffoon, the flesh is weak. Very weak indeed. All I've done is lug home a couple of textbooks from the library and left them to rot on the computer table, and the flesh seems to think it has done its fair obligation in terms of work for the term.
In some self-destructive way, I almost feel like I should just give up and flunk the year. I'm exhausted, stressed and depressed. The opinion that hard work doesn't make any difference if I get a harsh marker really doesn't help in the way of motivation. It's made me feel completely helpless, and just like everything, is a vicious cycle in that I'll just keep screwing up even more since I can't find the energy to study or work hard.
As arrogant as it sounds, I've never really felt the grind of med school that everyone harps about. I don't do regular study and still manage to get half-decent grades. I don't turn up to stuff unless attendance is taken (and sometimes don't even bother, if I can get someone to sign me off). Everything about me just says 'can't be fucked' in huge neon letters. I think people are surprised that I've managed to survive med school thus far.
This year has really taken its toll on me. I feel so incredibly stupid, which isn't new but definitely not to such a degree except the time in Nanyang when we got crazy tests and I got 8/50 for the Maths test that just about everyone flunked (but at that time, I just laughed it off as did the rest of us). Failing this year won't be a laughing matter at all. Not having holidays, no elective, the family's frustration/anger... Having to repeat the year and go through the whole kerfuffle again. I really don't think I could do it. And having come so far in med, there's no going back. I wouldn't know what to do if it really happened, but I think I really need to think of a plan B since I doubt plan A is going to work (plan A being studying my ass off so I don't flunk).
At the moment, I'll focus on getting through paeds. It doesn't help that on top of my 2 super smart bedside tute-mates, our tutor has really high expectations of us. True, he's the pro in vaccinations and immunology on top of being a gen paediatrician, and he's absolutely brilliant. But it doesn't mean I am. He said we're a bright bunch of students and he wants to challenge us... I think I'm happy as long as I don't lag too far behind my 2 tute-mates. I'm happy to go on the easy mode, thanks.
Sigh. It doesn't help that I feel so alone since everyone seems to be so goddamn smart. And for some reason, people think I'm one of those goddamn smart people. Goddamn it.
11:05 PM
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
To guys who only talk (including Facebook messaging) to girls because they are pretty:
Go to hell.
Yes, in your own petty way, you're probably thinking that I'm saying this just because I'm far from being pretty. But you know what? I don't care. I have more brains than you have balls. And it doesn't take much brains to accomplish that anyway.
If someone sends you a professional message even if it's via Facebook, the least you can do is just reply and say thanks (especially since the sender knows that you've seen the message thanks to the seen function). Just 1 simple word. Instead of being your despicable self and pms-ing even more than a girl which happened when on a trip with 4 other girls.
In the future, you'll never know if some girl you ignored just because you are a complete fktard will be your boss. Because you have so little fluff between your ears that a goldfish outstrips you on the IQ chart. And you know what? If that girl happens to be me, I'll have some fun flinging you around by your balls indeed.
Oh wait I forgot, you don't have any. My bad.
Fuck you.
11:52 PM