A Monochromatic Life

Disclaimer

The reader accepts, on reading of this disclaimer, that the Internet is a vast wasteland of crap that spews out of human minds. This blog is no different. Any assumptions or conclusions that the reader draws from this blog are not the responsibility of the author, along with any physical or psychological harm that might result from the reading of this blog.

Author

The author is a paranoid, deranged and cynical misanthrope who records snippets of her life so that she will remember them when she grows old and withered. The identities of any names or initials on this blog are based on the assumptions of the reader unless otherwise specified, and the author claims no responsibility for them.

Reality

The author somehow got into medical school. Yes, you of the general public, shudder and fear the wrath of an inept doctor.

Loves

Reading, Maisy (my dog), tea, writing (albeit badly), piano, music, junk food.

Hates

Almost everything else besides the things mentioned above.

Friends

Bao Cheng' Bernice' Chien Young' Chun Hing' Claire' Faustina' Felicia' Ferly' Gloria' Irene' Irene & Jiaying' Jac' Jiamin' Jiasin' Jiaying' Lutheng' Karene' Marissa' Melesa' Mingyi' My fictionpress' Pamelia' Pei Rong' Qiu Ting' Rachel' Satires Site' Stasia' Sylvia' The Clique' Vinette' Wenjia' Xin Rong' Xue Ying' Yanne & I' Yanne & Jamie' Zeena' 203'

Archives

03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012 11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012 12/01/2012 - 01/01/2013 01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013 02/01/2013 - 03/01/2013 03/01/2013 - 04/01/2013 04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013 05/01/2013 - 06/01/2013 06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013 07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013 11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013 12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014 02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014 03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014 05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014

Chat area

Monday, November 26, 2012

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. Strangely enough, I didn't really care about it.

I find the significance of birthdays fading away into obscurity as the years go by. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I (usually) don't have to go to school/work/uni on my birthday, since it happens to fall in the later part of the year. But birthdays have never been a big thing in my family, especially since most of my friends are away at this time of the year and thus there's not much point in organising anything.

There are some things I am grateful for in my 21st year of living (ie: the year just gone by) though:

1. That I passed 4th year. Hearing that 43 people in my year failed the OSCE honestly scared the shit out of me and made me grateful I passed despite the very minimal study I did (less than 1.5 weeks thanks to Tasmania).
2. Maisy. She has honestly been the light of my life, especially when it has been hard finding anything to be happy about. She has provided me with more love and friendship than I need, and I am grateful and so thankful to have her in my life (she makes up for the other not-so-great relationships that I have. *cough*). She is 8.5yo though... Which worries me :(.
3. My friends in Nanyang (I would say you guys, except that I highly doubt anyone even reads this old piece of crap floating in cyberspace). Meeting Irene after 7 long years reminded me that I still have great friends in you guys, and nothing can take away the experiences we shared over the 2 short years we were together. And the same with Maisy, the many of you who willingly lend your ears to this grumpy cantankerous misanthrope have supported me in ways that you can never imagine. I am eternally grateful for fate/God/karma/weird cosmic forces that dumped the bunch of weirdos that we were together.

This 21st year has been one of the hardest years for me. I find myself utterly exhausted at the end of what felt like a very, very long year. Long story cut short, it has been fraught with crap. I've felt like I was juggling a few hundred fragile, expensive porcelain vases laden with lead. And at many points in time, I had found myself doubting that I could go on.

Uni this year took a huge toll on me, and I'm sure the few visitors to this blog (if any) would know that most of it can be attributed to research. The last straw was probably the shitty (imo) mark that I got, which I still feel is totally undeserved. I've thought about it over and over again, and honestly cannot understand what happened.

Everything kinda snowballed due to research. My clinical rotations took a hit thanks to the huge workload, although I know I only have myself to blame (ie: my stupidity, incapability and general slothfulness). My social life turned from rare (eg: as rare as asian parents who are accepting of failure) to virtually non-existent. And coupled with my doubts about how well I was doing, whether this course is right for me, and 'friendships' with people in my cohort, it was a very difficult year.

But at the end of the day/year, I've learnt some very valuable lessons too:

1. Avoid insulting people around their workplaces.
2. Avoid committing career-suicide by doing stuff like the above, and confronting people in situations of completely unbalanced authority/power. Sometimes shit happens (research; why I haven't launched an official appeal against unfair academic assessment).
3. Be more discerning with my help/'friendships'; why spend my time and effort helping assholes who are clearly just making use of me? Such assholes who haven't contacted me all holidays except to bitch about how they didn't deserve to fail OSCEs? And yet, I hear them bragging to others that they got a raw mark of >130/160 despite them telling me what they got for each station (which came to definitely less than 110). If they even have the cheek to contact me at the end of the hols to ask me for help, I'm tempted to mention that my 75% definitely pales in comparison to the 85% they claim they got, and I doubt I'd be able to help them. Urgh. Some people are such losers.
4. That I should give people more of a chance. I realised after the Tasmania trip that ML is actually a nice person, and I completely misunderstood her. She does appear slightly kooky, but the few conversations I've had with her (on non-medical topics) have been rather intellectually stimulating. And I've found that we have a lot more in common than I would ever have expected. And that I think I like her better than some other people whom I thought I liked more.

Maybe I should start my 22nd year with a bang by kicking the people I've found that I dislike/have doubts about out of my close-contact list. It sounds kinda bad, but after my mum/brother discovered how many of the people I studied with failed the osce (despite me saying a few of them didn't deserve it), they told me to find better people to study with for next year. My mum happened to meet with some of them who came to my house to study just before the osce. I think they over-estimate my 'value' though, as do many of my peers. I'm kinda glad that anyone actually bothers studying with me sometimes. Lol.

And tbh, I don't mind teaching people as long as I feel that they appreciate it instead of just making use of me. What really shits me is how I have serious doubts about having real friendships with so many of them. Then again, I think it's one of those things I need to accept in order to survive working life. Sigh, I never knew this is what 'growing pains' feel like... I thought I was cynical before this. My cynicism back then looks like a rose-tinted unicorn party compared to the wasteland it is now.

I don't even know where this entire rambling turd is going, but I'll just finish off by talking about my brother's dedication ceremony (a somewhat more casual graduation ceremony to mark the transition from medical students to junior doctors for the graduating med cohort) which was on Saturday. My brother didn't graduate with honours. This news brought out the true colours in my typical Asian parents, where they both expressed their 'surprise' (read disappointment) that he didn't get honours, while a family friend's son who's always fared more poorly than my bro in Singapore/high school here got honours.

As mean as it sounds, I'm glad my bro didn't get honours. It takes the pressure off me, although my parents expect me to get it since they asked me for my WAM -.-. I've been trying to convince them that clinical assessments are completely unpredictable, and that honours isn't that great anyway :P. I hope it worked. So much for my parents always saying that a pass is enough. Lol, glad I was never that stupid to believe such a thing.

On another note, I'll be away for 2 weeks starting Thurs on a family holiday in China-land as I mentioned in my previous post. I'm hoping to somehow fit in a meet-up with Yanne in Shanghai, although I've heard that the packaged tour is really rigid and doesn't allow us much freedom in choosing where to go etc. So as much as I really want to meet her and catch up, I'm not gonna be too optimistic about it. But it's times like these that I'm glad that so many of us are all around the globe! It's almost like I can meet up with at least 1 person when I travel to a new place. It's probably gonna be quite a deciding factor in where I decide to do my elective next year too.

Alrighty, gonna shower than head to bed! Gotta meet my mentor tomorrow (urgh, can't believe he wants to meet me even during the HOLIDAYS), and there's marking too. Might post once more before leaving for China, but otherwise, here marks a 2-3 week hiatus since China-land is infamous for its censorship rules!

10:59 PM

Thursday, November 22, 2012

DE replied my email on Monday, saying that we lost marks as a group collectively thanks to our report which was marked by the external marker. My interpretation of the email was that since we all get the same mark for the report and proposal (but not participation), that was why our group's marks in general were lower. He went on to say that his main criticism and where the differences lay between the 3 of us were our commitment to the project. Which explains the 10% diff in marks between the 3 of us, I think. SL and EB think he meant we lost marks due to our poor groupwork...

Either way, I feel kinda bad that we didn't do that well. After all, I wrote just about the entire report... And in terms of groupwork, I suppose if I had really forced them to do work, they would have. Can't do anything about it now anyways, but I feel like I owe them both an apology for screwing our marks up. But honestly, what really shits me about this whole damn fiasco is that we've been asking for feedback for our report for about 3 weeks, even before results were released. And despite saying how it was due to our crappy report, DE hasn't been able to give us any feedback on why it pales in comparison to the other groups or why it even sucks. He's just said that the marker still hasn't given him any feedback. Which is honestly stupid. But rules VF out as a marker since she's back from leave, and is available to give feedback. And kinda brings us back to our original hypothesis of FW being our marker, since she's really busy and all, meaning she probably hasn't had time to reply him regarding such a trivial matter.

Speaking of which, I saw her at the uni yesterday. I promptly hid behind my friend to avoid having to speak to her since if it was confirmed that she did indeed mark our report, I might have ended up in trouble for assault of an Australian national treasure. If we all had different markers and she marked our report, I guess I wouldn't mind that we got a lousier mark. Because she is nothing short of amazing/inspirational, and has high expectations.

Was at uni doing some exam marking over the past 2 days. I kinda regret going. My brother heard from one of his friends who's an anatomy tutor that there was marking, and we both planned to join in. My bro then fell ill with gastroenteritis (lol. He ended up missing his grad dinner thanks to it. HAHA) on Tues, and I ended up going alone. It was incredibly awkward since everyone present was an anatomy tutor, and I felt like a complete outsider and a money-grubber. I had to introduce myself awkwardly to the lecturer in charge (Avinash), and basically convince him to let me stay and help since he was just going wtf who are you?! Blergh. He must have looked up my grades after that or something (he was looking up grades for some of the students who were likely to flunk), because he was really nice to me yesterday and asked me to go back tomorrow too. Phew. And he remembered my name despite not knowing it on Tuesday... Thank goodness I did well in that unit in 2nd yr.

Other than that, hols have been pretty shit. Mum's been her neurotic self again. I honestly am not excited by the prospect of spending 2 weeks with her in China. Oh well. Been trying to go out more to avoid being at home since it always ends up with us quarreling. In some strange way, if I'd failed exams, I think we wouldn't have ended up quarreling. Because I'd be so busy and upset that she wouldn't dare to stir up her usual shit.

I honestly wish the only things I have to worry about are grades. Instead, I have to end up juggling work, keeping my mum from being neurotic and so many other bits of shit (like research). Thankfully work's a lot more flexible than working at specsavers last year (God that was awful), and due to our clinical workload, I've been out a lot more during term than last year. But she expects me to basically do as much housework as if I were living alone, and still talks about how she supports me so much and stuff. Fine, she does cook meals and sometimes helps with my laundry when I don't have time (like during our surgery rotation). But it's done grudgingly.

What I don't understand is that if she is so unwilling to help me, why does she even bother??? I've never asked her to do anything. In fact, I try to help out by buying groceries and stuff since she's got back pains and groceries can be heavy. During the exam period, her boss offered her quite a few shifts, and I kept encouraging her to go for them since it seems that she enjoys work. She even went to work on the days of my exams (including OSCE), and I don't mind that. Except that she told all her friends about how busy she is due to my exams, trying to appear like such a saintly, helpful mum and making her friends think that I am a demanding little bitch. When she was actually occupied with her WORK. *facepalm*

Whatever. I can't be bothered with her. She can believe all she wants since she's always hated me, since before I was born (unplanned pregnancy). Nothing I do will ever please her, so screw this shit. I can't wait to move out when I'm an intern... I'll bring Maisy along with me I guess, since I'll have enough money at that point in time to rent a whole place. Or maybe even take out a loan to buy a small house or something. 2 more years before I get my freedom from all this shit.

3:20 PM

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The following post is just gonna be one huge rambling, mess of garbled words because I don't even know why I'm this upset over marks. More specifically, my not-so-satisfactory marks for research.

Turns out CT got a HD for research. I don't begrudge him his good mark. But I feel that if he got a HD, I should have gotten one too. Or at least done better than VC/JT. And I know it sounds arrogant, but here're the reasons why I think so:

1. We're basically the only group that completes work on time without needing to be chased.
2. I've clearly spent the most time on the damn project, having to chase the people involved on my own (eg: statisticians), and as VF (VC/JT's supervisor) said, basically doing the whole bleeding project on our own. We were the only group with decent results during the results presentation in July despite DE being away for nearly 2 months.
3. Both groups PLAGIARISED our work at various points in time. I mean, wouldn't that already mean that we're better than them?!?!
4. I don't see how the quality of our work pales in comparison to theirs. If anything, none of the supervisors have made a peep/negative comments about our work, especially not in the last 3 months or so (DE said well done in nearly every damn email). In contrast, all the other groups have received some sort of negative feedback at some point or other.
5. DE even said on Monday when we went to give them our gifts that our report is close to publishable. Which is definitely NOT the case for the other groups, or at least VC/JT's group (no idea about CT's). VC/JT's group even had to have a meeting on that same fateful Monday to discuss the DIRECTION their project was going to take in order to make it publishable.
6. VC/JT's group did not even do a final report. They just copied their poster text, which was mainly written by their supervisor. And blamed it on how they mistook her instructions on not to start on their publication manuscript as to not have to do a final report for the faculty.

On the other hand, receiving my mark has caused certain doubts to surface in my mind. Perhaps I'm over-estimating myself, and being arrogant and incredibly stuck-up by casting my judgements on how others don't deserve a better grade than me. For all I know, my work is actually shit but I'm blinded by it because it's my work, and due to the fact that I've wasted my already close-to-non-existent social life on it this year. And how I could have done better in my rotations if I'd spent more time on them instead.

I guess all we have left to do is wait for DE's reply to my email (which was a poorly disguised confrontation/request for an explanation of what the shit happened). I really hope he doesn't give us some cryptic 1-liner reply again. I can't guarantee that I won't fly into a completely mad rage and launch an official faculty appeal into what I really believe is an unfair and unjustified academic assessment. I'm pretty sure that an external marker would agree with me that our work isn't compromised in quality in comparison to the other groups, even excluding the comments on the amount of effort I put in etc (yes, I know effort doesn't always equate to quality).

I really have no idea why this is affecting me so badly. It's taken the joy of doing surprisingly well in exams away, and I've had troubles concentrating on stuff like work (even simple piano stuff was a challenge today). It almost feels like heartbreak; where something you invested so much time and effort in hasn't reciprocated in the way you expected it to. I guess this project has kinda been my brainchild, and it sucks to be blatantly insulted in this manner, which just shouts that my efforts weren't appreciated or good enough compared to what I considered to be rather meagre efforts by my peers.

As much as I'd love to go on an all-out rampage and take it to the faculty level if I don't get a satisfactory explanation from DE, I don't think I'd be willing to commit career-suicide even before my career has started. Clinical life is all about politics. I can't afford to offend the burns department, especially since dear famous FW is the head of it. I also respect them all, since I recognise that they are indeed champions of their field, even if I dislike them now for what I believe is an unjust assessment. It just sucks that they don't respect my efforts, and it borders on offensive since they've labelled what I thought was a decent first venture into research as lousy.

Maybe if I am crazy enough with rage. Although I think the self-preservationist in me won't allow that to happen. But I guess I can retaliate in a passive-aggressive manner. If DE/the burns department thinks that sitting on my bum and waiting to be pushed to do work is better than taking initiative, then they will have it. In double doses. I'll just lounge around not bothering to do anything until they chase me, and even so, turn in a piece of hurriedly-pieced-together turd peppered with grammatical errors and plagiarised from the said groups that did better than us. See how they'd like that. Screw this shit.

12:08 AM

Friday, November 16, 2012

So... Today was D-day; releasing of results. I had a sleepless night, and had a nightmare about how I did really badly.

It wasn't too bad actually. Got a mixed bag this year instead of the straight HDs last year, with 4 HDs, 4 Ds and 2 credits. I'm pleased with the majority of them, having made peace with psych earlier in the year (1 of the credits). Pleasantly surprised by pathology, which I thought I'd flunked but somehow became my best unit.

What really pisses me off is research. I mean, having done just about the entire project on our own with feedback from DE... I expected to get a decent mark from it. At least better than my OSCE/SPM marks given how OSCE is OSCE and I was sick on the day of SPM (cramps. Couldn't really concentrate).

Turns out I did better in BOTH OSCE and SPM than RESEARCH. Which I'd spent so much time on it is ridiculous. Fine, I know time doesn't mean quality. I was just annoyed that DE/the burns department are a bunch of stingy bastards. What really pushed me into a burning rage (lol) was finding out that VC and JT did better than us, even though their supervisor basically did their entire project for them. Moreover, they did not even write a damn final report, and they f*cking copied our work at 1 point. I have no fking clue how they could have done better than us, as arrogant as that sounds. Fine, 74 is a decent mark. But not when they got 78/77 for doing a worse job than us.

Gonna confront DE about it after finding out what CT/ML got for their project. I guess if it's an intrinsic problem with our project, I'd accept it. But we've not gotten any negative feedback on our performance. On the other hand, they've been going on about how we're the best group etc etc. So it came as a rude shock to find out that I didn't do that well. And the irony is that in my nightmare, I dreamt that I'd gotten 76 for research, which is better than what I actually got. The irony hit me like DE's very monotonous voice, making me literally exclaim what?! in incomprehension when I finally realised that I got 74 for research.

Can't be as bad as SL and EB though. They both got a low-mid 60. I think if I'd gotten that, the burns department would be in flames now. I honestly don't think any of us deserved our marks for research. Don't think it's the biggest of EB's worries given how she failed the OSCEs though. I'm just feeling kinda sore because I could have diverted more time/effort into my other units, and my rotations probably suffered thanks to research.

But yes, I should be happy. I did surprisingly well for the written papers and OSCEs; still have no clue how I scraped a HD for all the written papers (which I crammed in the day before each exam), and 75 for both OSCE and SPM.

Another puzzling thing was my geris/msk mark. After calculating back, I realised that I got a measly 42% for the MCQ exam, despite thinking I did fine after the exam. And I've never bombed out that badly before (worst mark in med school so far is 65. Psych this year :P). I know that we were in Tas the entire week before, and I crammed all the study into about 1.5 days. But it was an MCQ exam. I honestly don't think I could have bombed out that badly. But there is a possibility I guess, and I'll only find out when the unit coordinator replies my email. Not complaining though; still managed a 68% overall thanks to geris.

Yay to officially being in 5th year though!! :D 'Tis a good feeling, especially knowing some of the people who failed OSCEs whom I really feel didn't deserve to fail. And goodbye (officially) to 4th year; here's a kick up your arse for being such a shit year! Ok fine, to qualify that, it was mainly thanks to having no life due to research. Which wouldn't have been as bad if I'd actually gotten a good mark for it instead of a somewhat dismal one. Blergh.

4:13 PM

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It seems like the faculty has decided not to phone the people who failed the OSCEs this year, but rather, to send out emails. Which sounds sterile/impersonal, but I think most people would prefer that to sobbing awkwardly into a phone (I know I would).

I thankfully passed. But I know 5 people who've failed, and I would probably never have guessed that they would fail. EB and JT being some of the 5. EB's been studying since forever (lol. I wonder how I know...), while JT always seems so confident. Compared to me, who has such insecurities about the amount of knowledge I have (which would probably not even fill the empty shells of a peanut).

And VN too. It almost sounds like the marking system was some sort of sick lottery, since these people sound rather unlikely to fail.

It was rather awkward trying to comfort them since my words sounded so, so empty even as they resounded in my head as I was typing them out. There's no way I could understand how they feel, esp when JT and VN are paying shitloads of money to study here as international students (they're admittedly more financially able than me). I had a nightmare about failing OSCEs on Monday night, and felt so incredibly horrid and affected by it. And it's probably just a fraction of what these people are feeling since I knew it was a nightmare and it was somewhat ridiculous (like how I dreamt that I forgot to bring my stethoscope to the exam. Lol).

And of course, it's very easy to sit in a chair couch-potato style and say things like 'I'm sorry to hear that' or 'let me know if you need anything'. I'd probably feel like these phrases are terribly superficial and meaningless if I were on the receiving end of them. It's not like I have anything I can offer to these people besides these empty words; for all I know, I might just have scraped a pass. But I suppose if there's any way I can help them, I'd try, since it's what I'd wish my friends would do for me if the situations were reversed. Not even gonna think about whether it would happen or not though. Lol.

Glad I've not received an email. Very, very glad. And surprised. Hope I did ok in the written papers too (finding out on Fri).

4:37 PM

Monday, November 12, 2012

We went to burns today to bestow our supervisors/people we hassled during our project with the gifts that we bought for them from Tas/Melb/Perth (lol, kinda didn't include FW's share, but was advised by my bro to buy her something since she is the boss of the whole damn place after all. There's thankfully a branch of that chocolate shop here).

It was pretty good, albeit awkward at times. It was hard to keep the conversation going, and resulted in me bringing up the climbing of Mt Wellington 3 times since we ran outta stuff to say. I think the exchange with DE was the most awkward, since he asked us for plans (for our project?) and I/we had none whatsoever. And he asked if he'd answered the questions I emailed him about. He replied said-email with a 1 liner basically asking me not to waste my time on it, since I think he assumed I'd get the summer scholarship (keep reading on to find out about this) -.-. So it was somewhat awkward accusing him of not replying my questions, but I obviously couldn't lie and said he did either. Lol.

VF, TJ and AB were really nice though. Esp TJ, who looked her usual harassed self when she thought we were there to torment her again. She asked if we needed any more stats done, and looked so relieved when we said no. She also obliquely asked if we were going to do more research. I'm interested to, but don't know if I'll have enough time next year since it's apparently the hardest year in our sad med school lives. And I might just have signed my suicide note by applying for convenor of the student research conference, although I'm hoping it won't require that much work since it's just 1 evening excluding all the organising etc (and I might not get it anyways). And as much as I think burns is interesting, I might want to try research in other areas too. But it's gonna be a lot more convenient doing it with burns, and I do find it very interesting after all. It's just that DE's (occasionally) cryptic comments throw me into a fking rage when I don't know what the hell he wants from us and I'm already stressed/want to have a life. Have to admit that they've all been a great support though, esp him.

I also noted that DE needed a haircut, and SL agreed with me, although she added that he has a Jew-fro (I'd like to state that I'm not anti-semitic or racist. It's hard to be racist when you're part of a minority race in a predominantly white society). We then launched into a conversation about how DE doesn't have a supposedly Jewish nose, which according to SL, is like Dustin Hoffman's nose. I then remarked that our geriatrician (who's Jewish) doesn't really have that characteristic nose either, but SL didn't agree. We then looked up, and guess who we saw? Said geriatrician was about 10m away from us, but thankfully engrossed in his phone and (hopefully) didn't hear our conversation. I did observe that he does indeed have the characteristic nose though, and we both broke into loud peals of laughter. Hopefully he didn't recognise us. Lol. I really must learn not to badmouth people in the vicinity of their workplaces (have not learnt from my many close and not-so-close shaves this year).

Saw the postman dropping off a bundle of mail in our letterbox when walking in from the bus stop on the way home. I then took the mail out, and found... A letter from the department for the summer scholarship. I opened it, and read 'I regret to inform you...'.

I'm pleasantly surprised that I felt more relieved/happy than disappointed/upset/embarrassed, although I have to admit I do have some of the latter feelings. I regretted applying for the damn thing; firstly, it was an obvious grab for money on my part since I definitely would not need 6-8 weeks of full-time work on our project to get it published. Secondly, as noted in the previous post, I'm really not very willing to spend that amount of time on work (haha in short, I'm lazy). Thirdly, I'd feel somewhat guilty for taking the place of someone else who really wanted to experience research blahblah.

Except that it went to this guy who is an absolute gunner and disliked by many in our year group (especially those who had the unfortunate honour to be in the same surgery placement as him). I dislike him for many other reasons, including the way he treated me in 1st year (long story cut short, I felt that he [and a few others who were all in the same friendship group back then] was making use of me. Not like that's news given how it seems to be my complaint about everyone in my year group). And I guess that's where most of the upset/disappointed feelings are stemming from.

Embarrassed? I guess it's the typical Asian in me. It's a piece of paper that states I wasn't good enough for something. Although I suppose these feelings are more dilute on this occasion since I think part of the reason I wasn't successful was because the project just wasn't suitable for the scholarship. I mean, who in their right mind would award a research scholarship to someone with a project that sounds like it's 90% done? I'd just chucked an application in with the hopes of getting some money out of the work that I'd have to do anyway.

I'm honestly glad that I didn't get the scholarship though. It resolves quite a few dilemmas for me; the primary one being that I might not have the time to fulfill the conditions of the scholarship without working myself to death thanks to the 2 week holiday I'm having. The other more minor one being that I really didn't want to have to email FW to ask her to sign my letter of support since DE is supposedly not a member of the clinical association of the hospital. Despite being a senior physio there. Which strikes me as being absolutely ridiculous. But yeah, thank goodness I'd not asked for more favours before being rejected! I really hope they won't insist on me getting her to sign the letter anyway. It'd be kinda stupid, although I wouldn't put it past bureaucrats.

In other news, I can't believe that it's so near to Wednesday!!! I really really really hope/pray/beg/implore whatever higher power is out there that I will not receive a call from the faculty telling me that I failed. And we get our marks on Friday. Which isn't gonna be a good day. This year's been so shit in terms of grades:

1) I've gotten the lowest ever mark in my history of med school. Meaning a 65% overall for damned psychiatry. And it might be lower since my other exams/units/rotations haven't been great either.
2) My other units haven't been all that much better, thanks to the frigging 6 point grading system. Given how some examiners are anal fktards, they don't give anything more than 4/6 (which is a clear pass, with 3 being a borderline). Which is also incidentally a measly 60%.
3) My luck in terms of consultants has been pretty shit, where I've gotten quite a few strict ones. Have unfortunately not encountered any of the santa clauses that some of my peers have. Then again, at least I've not met any fktards who are determined to fail students just because.
4) I've spent a disproportionate amount of time on research as compared with studying for all my rotations. I honestly hope that DE doesn't live up to his reputation of being a stingy b*stard in terms of grades. And hope I won't regret spending that much time on the project. And also kinda hope it wasn't FW who marked our report, although there are quite a few indications that it was her (eg: DE sent it to the marker when VF [person we thought was marking our report] was away. He also said he just got the assessment sheet presumably today and FW just got back from leave today). BLARGH.
5) I definitely won't be getting more than my current GPA/WAM. Hell to the no. I just hope it won't slip too much.

Yes, I sound like an ungrateful b*tch since I guess my average and lowest marks have been reasonably high. But it just sucks when you put in effort into doing something well, but don't get the grades to substantiate it just because of sheer dumb luck. I suppose this is all part of clinical life though. Sigh...

For now, I'll happily gambol around and make the best of my (possibly 2 remaining days of) holidays/freedom. Dammit, it's so unfair that my brother has finished his last ever med school exam and is going away for a week to Bali tomorrow!!! I hate my life (1st world problems).

10:50 PM

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Now that the hubbub of exams has kind of died down (except for the releasing of exam results next week. *hyperventilates*), it's back to research. At least it makes me happier that it's not really 2 months of full-time remediation if I failed the clinical exams unless I failed all the stations. Which would be incredibly sad, and I would probably just quit med school if that happened.

Research has been pretty cool too. At least now I don't really have to worry about getting my groupmates into trouble (ie: get a shit mark from the faculty) if they don't do much work. I don't think they deserve a bad mark; they've probably done more than what other people have done, which is just piggybacking on their supervisors' projects. If anything, they turned up for meetings quite regularly. Lol. And they are generally nice people, esp SL. I guess I wouldn't have as many qualms about ratting EB out since I'm honestly still rather annoyed at her. And will be irate at her if I end up failing the year thanks to not having enough time to study mainly due to research, because she didn't want to do much and still kept whining about how it ate into her study time.

Getting an email yesterday from DE about publishing our project made me feel strangely inadequate though. I'd asked if he wanted to meet us to discuss publication, and he replied saying that we didn't need to. Ironically, he was the one who asked to discuss the issue after our exams. I don't even know why the heck I'm feeling like he thinks I/we are high-maintenance or dependent/clingy (lol tbh, I do. Because he literally said we are high-maintenance, and it's been bugging me since then). Or why it makes me feel like I'm such a failure because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing.

It's amusing how people think I know what I'm doing when I don't. Maybe because he's so experienced in research, he can actually see through this facade and know that I don't know a rat's backside from research. Or maybe I'm being overly suspicious and paranoid. So confused, except for the fact that I'm as lost as anyone about research.

Anyway... The 1st week of hols has gone by without me doing anything much at all. It's been nice to just sit around, with 'The Lazy Song' by Bruno Mars concisely summarizing what I've been doing. Besides the sleeping around part.

I'm worried about getting the summer scholarship now that I've had a taste of not doing anything. Really feeling very tired and sick of med school. And the thought of constantly feeling inadequate thanks to my (admittedly maybe self-imagined, as assured by friends) unimpressed supervisor really doesn't help. Unfortunately he remembered about the scholarship. Bleh.

So yes, feeling very ambivalent about it. If I get it, it would mean 6 weeks of feeling like a failure. Ok, that's rather harsh. But either way, I don't even know if I can fulfill the conditions of the scholarship since I'm also going away for a 2 week holiday to China (WOOHOO!). Not getting the scholarship would be quite crushing for my (already close to non-existent) self-esteem though. It would be another piece of evidence to go into the thick file of my past failures. So yes, either way, I'll end up feeling like the failure I am. And heap failing exams on it and I might as well quit med school and kill myself to prevent the contamination of the human gene pool with my highly inferior genes. Not that I even understand an ounce of the genetics course we did in pathology.

Sigh.

12:57 PM

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Yes, I have just spent just about the entire night revamping this blog's appearance. Was getting rather sick of the previous template.

So... Seeing how I've just spent the entire night on something that superficial, here's more superficial stuff to contend with. Like what I plan to do these hols:

1) Pack my room, which looks like it's been paper-bombed heavily in the past 3 months or so.
2) Work on getting our research project published. Which might or might not involve a summer scholarship. Not too keen on working that hard all summer, after the hell that's been the past 3 months (exams+research+clinical workload).
3) Maybe get a job.
4) Go to China for a holiday!
5) SLEEP.
6) Possibly learn a new instrument.
7) Master the art of becoming a couch potato.

All of this depends, of course, on me passing 4th year. Which might or might not happen.

Either way, here's my wishlist of stuff for my birthday/Christmas:

1) Pass 4th year. There can be no better gift than this.
2) A guitar/violin. I figured those 2 would be the cheapest instruments to get/upkeep since a cello's clearly outta the budget.
3) Books; really want Cloud Atlas, or most of the Haruki Murakami books besides 1Q84 which I possess. And a ton of others (no, not Fifty Shades of Grey though. That is honestly an abomination; read 2 chapters and felt like vomiting).
4) A new phone. Possibly an iPhone. This depends on whether my current Nokia survives till April when my plan expires.
5) A new backpack (which I will be on the hunt for in China, oh land-of-cheap-stuff). I don't think my right shoulder will survive the heavy bag I regularly subject it to thanks to all the thick medical textbooks.

I'm sure there's heaps more stuff that I want. But I think most importantly, I just want to pass this year. I don't think I could survive spending the entire holidays studying... And it will definitely cause my self-esteem to plummet from low to non-existent.

It turns out that the board of examiners meeting's been shifted a week (from the previously deduced/assumed date). Meaning there's about 1.5 weeks more of agony before I find out if I passed OSCEs (14th Nov is the date). And we find out about the written papers on the 16th of Nov. All before my birthday. Please, if there's a God out there, I don't want to spend my birthday studying.

On another note, reading EB's report for the faculty on our conference made me literally LOL. I won't elaborate much on it except to say that if she really believes what she wrote, she is one seriously deluded woman. She learnt heaps from writing up our poster? Oh really? My understanding was that she meddled with the colour scheme, and that was about all she did. Unless she learnt from that... My bad.

And enhancing her clinical knowledge by listening to the invited speakers... Oh of course, in her motel room while busy studying. I think her entire report should just have been: ''Thank you for the funding for a subsidised holiday in the lovely city of Hobart. It was thoroughly enjoyable, and could not have happened without this monetary support. KTHXBAI.''

It seems like EB would have to go to church to confess her sins from all the lying. Lol. And no, I didn't mean any of that with malice. I was genuinely amused by her report.

Heh.

11:49 PM

Friday, November 02, 2012

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!! At least till next Wednesday. Which is when the faculty calls the people who failed the exams (not sure if it's just the OSCE/clinical one, or if it includes the written papers).

I've never sat a worse bunch of exams in my entire life; I've never been this unsure that I passed. There's just this feeling of unease that's sitting like a heavy stone in my stomach... At times, I think I did ok. And then I think about it again and am convinced I failed.

It didn't help that I wasn't feeling well during this entire exam period thanks to my period that came a week early. I would have overslept and missed my exam on Monday if my dad had not woken me up (and it was only by chance that he knew I had an exam on that day. Because I asked him to shift his car the night before so that I could get outta the garage).

So I jumped outta bed on Mon, weaved through traffic to get to uni by 9am. And had a major brainfart during the exam. I have no idea what the hell happened, and I'm sure I didn't do well at all in that exam. Even though about half of the written paper was repeated from past year papers. The extended matching questions weren't that much better either. I thought they were quite alright... Until after walking out of the exam and comparing answers with my friends. Bleh. Wouldn't be surprised if I failed this exam. Which is apparently pretty damn hard to fail.

Then spent the next 1.5 days studying an entire year's worth of pathology. It was terrible, horrible, incorrigible, every damn word that describes something that is utterly and truly shit. Even people with degrees in molecular genetics in our cohort did not understand what the hell that stupid genetics unit coordinator wanted us to know for the damn exam. It was the worst paper in the history of my 4 years in med school, and probably the worst exam in my entire life. I was unprepared, sleep-deprived (had less than 3 hours of sleep), and felt like a thousand rabid, crazy, hyperactive chipmunks were building a treehouse inside my skull. My heart was going at 120 beats/min, I had chest pain, palpitations and thought I was gonna get a heart attack and drop dead from all the stress, anxiety and slurry of catecholamines doing laps in my cardiovascular system. I looked so shit and delirious that I didn't even need a costume for Halloween (probably looked like some zombied panda). I left 30mins early because I figured that staring blankly at my paper was not gonna give me more marks, and I'd be better off going home to study for the next day's exams. What really sucks is that the exam is worth 70%, so the 87.5% I got in sem 1's exam (worth 20%) does shitall to help (remaining 10% from lab worksheets. Hoping they give full marks for just submitting them). Sigh, I really hope I passed.

Thankfully the exams on Thursday were better. I needed 22% to pass pharmacology, and I'm sure I got that. Which is absolutely great, and made me feel slightly better and more confident that I will someday be a doctor (albeit it remains to be debated if I'll make a good doctor. Lol). Infectious diseases wasn't too bad too, considering how I spent all of an HOUR studying for the damn exam (it was in the OSCEs too, so I just relied on my retentive memory since I needed the entire day to study the year's worth of pharmacology). I think I passed these 2 exams. Phew.

Having 5 damn exams in 6 days really isn't good for one's physical and mental health. We probably looked like a bunch of the living dead hovering around the exam venue, talking rabidly and looking like we would eat every damn person walking by. It wouldn't have been so bad if there weren't the written exams to worry about I think. Or at least if there hadn't been as much material to study, especially for pathology. Or just if there hadn't been frigging damn genetics.

I'm glad it's over. We get our results officially on 16th Nov, but since remediation for OSCEs starts on the 12th of Nov, they'll be calling the people who failed next Wed (or so we figured out). If I fail, it'll mean 2 months of FULL-TIME remediation. Blargh. Which would mean my holiday to China will be gone. BLARGH. I'd honestly rather fail a written paper if I had the choice.

I'm just completely unsure if I even passed anything. I guess we should have passed research... I'm not even hoping for a HD now. I'd be happy with a D, ok with a C, annoyed with a pass, and go on a full-out rampage if I fail. Because it has sapped so much of my time that I should have spent studying this entire year. With the rest of the exams, I think I'll be delirious with happiness if I somehow get a HD, happy with a D, content with a C, alright with a pass, and resigned if I fail.

What a change from last year when I got straight HDs and was utterly enraged with a D for my stupid option unit. As they say, the clinical years really change you. Even my mum said that passing was enough, and there's more to life than getting good grades. Which really stunned me because she's such a stereotypical asian parent that I never expected her to say that. Unless she thought I looked rather depressed and suicidal after that pathology exam (she said it after asking me how I went in that. Lol).

I even phoned the faculty office yesterday in my desperation to ask if they knew when we'd receive the calls informing us about our failure. Turns out no one really knows, but they said it's on the day of the board of examiner's meeting. Which is traditionally (according to my brother and SL's bf) on a Wednesday. Ie: 6 days time. Sigh.... Time to go enjoy my freedom while I have it :(.

2:49 PM