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Author
The author is a paranoid, deranged and cynical misanthrope who records snippets of her life so that she will remember them when she grows old and withered. The identities of any names or initials on this blog are based on the assumptions of the reader unless otherwise specified, and the author claims no responsibility for them.
Reality
The author somehow got into medical school. Yes, you of the general public, shudder and fear the wrath of an inept doctor.
Loves
Reading, Maisy (my dog), tea, writing (albeit badly), piano, music, junk food.
Hates
Almost everything else besides the things mentioned above.
Friends
Bao Cheng' Bernice' Chien Young' Chun Hing' Claire' Faustina' Felicia' Ferly' Gloria' Irene' Irene & Jiaying' Jac' Jiamin' Jiasin' Jiaying' Lutheng' Karene' Marissa' Melesa' Mingyi' My fictionpress' Pamelia' Pei Rong' Qiu Ting' Rachel' Satires Site' Stasia' Sylvia' The Clique' Vinette' Wenjia' Xin Rong' Xue Ying' Yanne & I' Yanne & Jamie' Zeena' 203'
Archives
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12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
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12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011
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08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012
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12/01/2012 - 01/01/2013
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02/01/2013 - 03/01/2013
03/01/2013 - 04/01/2013
04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013
05/01/2013 - 06/01/2013
06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013
07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013
11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013
12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014
02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014
03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014
05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014
Chat area
The past 2 weeks in ICU have sped past in a flash. I guess it affirms the statement that time passes very quickly when one is enjoying oneself.
The consultants and doctors were all very keen to teach, although I felt sorry for them because they seemed so frustrated that I/we (HE and I) could be that stupid and dense. The way that they look at you and sigh with resignation when you can't answer basic questions makes me feel like they think I'm some sort of vegetable who isn't intelligent enough to eat and breathe at the same time without aspirating and getting klebsiella pneumonia. I bet they think that medical students are getting dumber and dumber with each batch.
I didn't dare tell them that I'm interested in doing ICU in future lest they commit pre-emptive murder and kill me before I kill their future patients.
The free food in the staffroom was great too! I also loved the half days I spent there; the latest I got home was 3pm which was awesome. The 8am starts did zombify me in the end though. I slept for 15 hours (3 hour nap + 12 hours overnight) on the last day of the term. The sad life of a medical student indeed.
I guess my brother's graduation ceremony on Monday night also took its toll on my sleep. It started at 7.30pm (but guests had to be seated by 7.10), and we got home at nearly midnight. Just because my family decided to spend about 2hours taking an entire multitude of pictures despite it being wet and cold (it was pouring). I admittedly got rather grumpy, especially since I had prepared myself to get to hospital at 7am the following day to attend the weekly ICU grand round (which didn't eventuate given that I went to bed at about 12.30am. I arrived late at the 8am handover meeting instead, and had to sneak in by the tearoom with everyone staring at me). I personally really dislike taking pictures, and while I think a few (i.e. less than 20) is more than adequate to commemorate an event and jog rusting memories, I don't believe more than 100 photos is justifiable.
True, it could be argued that I'm not in any way good-looking and thus I dislike photos. I'm not a supermodel who likes to bask in camera flashlights because I'm not a supermodel fullstop (talk about vicious cycles). I don't like putting on make-up, and I think part of it stems from my honest feelings that 1) make-up is a cheap tool for earning lust (not love), 2) whoever loves you shouldn't love you with/for the paint that's on your face, 3) make-up is costly and 4) I'm a sad ugly plain Jane that even make-up can't salvage (as my family constantly affirms).
It admittedly bothers me sometimes. It's probably part of the reason why I don't really bother, because why should I bother with something that I know is hopeless? I also believe that I'm self-sufficient, and I don't need to put on a mask and simper at sleazy guys in nightclubs to find a partner in life. If that's what is necessary to have one, no thanks. I'd be happy being a crazy-cat/dog lady for the rest of my life.
I do wonder though; does this mean that evolution favours humans who look nice over intelligence? I'm neither brains nor beauty, but looking at people around me, it seems to be the nice-looking ones who stand a way better chance at pro-creating (yes, very sterile and scientific I know). I wonder if we'll end up with a planet populated by beautiful Adonis(es) and Venus(es) with IQs south of 100.
Moving on to a more inane topic, DE's wife got her masters at the same ceremony as my brother's graduation (same faculty), and ML and I had a brief chat with him at the 'afterparty' (just on general stuff thankfully). DE then sent me this very nice email the next morning thanking me for nominating him for the faculty teaching award. I nearly puked out my breakfast and kinda freaked out, since I'd admittedly kinda forgotten that I even nominated him (might or might not have been inebriated at that time. It was definitely a spur-of-the-moment thing that might have been fueled by alcohol or exam-induced catecholamine overdrive). I honestly thought it was anonymous (except to the judges) and that is why I actually sent the nomination in. It was nothing short of mortifying, and I was glad that it was nearly the end of my term at RPH and I'm not gonna be there till the end of the year, thus having a low likelihood of bumping into him again. At least he didn't thank me face-to-face at the grad ceremony. I'd probably have sprayed out my mouthful of champagne and squawked that it was meant to be anonymous. How ungracious.
I couldn't help but be reminded of this grumpy cat meme though (see below). Karma sucks indeed.
9:38 PM
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Hmm, it's Friday. Usually I'd be running around happily screaming TGIF, but instead I'm kinda looking forward to Monday. Even though I'm displaying Parkinsonian symptoms from sheer exhaustion (sat on the couch after dinner staring at a series of random TV ads and American Idol without any of it registering because I was too tired to get off the couch).
I've really been enjoying my ICU term. It has made me consider doing ICU as a career option even more strongly than before. Everyone's really keen to teach, and I don't have to talk to patients since most are so sick. And the variety of patients (both general and surgical) is awesome. We even had a burns patient today! Saw some weird and wonderful shit including bad subcutaneous emphysema (which was in the patient's thorax up to even the eyes) secondary to bilateral pneumothorax (?pneumothoraces) in this lady with end-stage COPD. It's been so good that I'm even lamenting that these 2 weeks are cut short due to Good Friday next week.
I doubt the consultants will be glad to hear that I am seriously considering ICU though. I think they think that I'm dumb, especially the current consultant who gave us students a 20min run-down on shock today. Lol. Also doesn't help that I massively phailed on Mon with some procedures. Couldn't get a cannula into this psych patient who admittedly has really bad veins from IVDU, loads of scars and tattoos on his arms. Even the anaesthetic reg didn't bother trying because she couldn't find any nice veins, so I didn't feel too bad. Then was asked to take blood cultures from a comatose patient and FAILED. And even stabbed myself with the needle (fortunately before it went into the patient) which was hell embarrassing. Apparently his veins had sclerosed from repeated tests though. The RMO also had difficulties getting blood, but I still felt really shit and incompetent (especially with a fresh bandaid on me left middle finger from said self-inflicted jab).
It doesn't help that I have to teach my annoying students tomorrow. I'm relief-teaching for a friend who was sent far far away for his rural GP term, and tried to shuffle the students around so that I'd cut my total traveling time down by 15 mins. Unfortunately, these selfish bastards refuse to budge to accommodate me, with one demanding to know why I needed to change the time of the lesson and refusing because they need to take a nap at 12pm. For fuck's sake, it's just 4 lessons, 45mins each time. Their piano isn't even any where near the bedrooms. And I explained that it was very inconvenient for me to have to make a huge detour.
Can't wait to be rid of these fktards. They can try getting their own teacher for $25 per 45min lesson going to the house, bilingual (they only speak Chinese), grade 8 qualification. And they can cancel at the last-minute multiple times on whatever teacher they manage to find and see if said teacher will still bother teaching their kid. I was hoping my friend would be sent to somewhere relatively near for rural GP so that he would still drive back up to Perth, but that unfortunately didn't work out. Probably gonna quit teaching when he gets back (3/5 of my students have temporarily stopped. Given how annoying they were in the first place with loads of cancellations and unwillingness to learn, I've decided to ditch them even if they want to continue lessons. I've not gotten any income from them this month at all. Yes, the cancellations are that bad).
Otherwise, it's shaping up to be a pretty awesome 2 weeks, which is great given how I felt like I was being haunted by dementors for the 2 weeks that I was on oncology. Oh God, that is one specialty that I wouldn't want to get within a 100m radius if possible. It trumps even psychiatry and geries as being the worst ever rotation so far. Gonna be a very busy weekend too; have to sort out the student conference stuff, get started on my ICU report (consultant requested for us to submit it by Wed if possible. She doesn't mind even if it's in the week after the option though. But given how nice they've all been, I don't really want to inconvenience her). Also got our family dinner because my brother's graduation ceremony is coming up on Mon.
And I'm so tired and it's past midnight so I should really go to bed. Piano teaching starting at 1pm tomorrow. Le sigh.
12:06 AM
Friday, March 15, 2013
I HAVE SURVIVED ONCOLOGY!! (except for 1 day)
Yes, I felt like I had to (figuratively) scream that into the deep vast cyberspace. I never expected to find a rotation I disliked more than psychiatry/geriatrics, but now I have *the oldies and crazies wail despondently in the distance that they've moved further up my career choice list*.
I honestly don't know why oncology repels me that much. Maybe because it's full of death and despair, and I already have enough shit going on in my life without having to take care of other people's crap. And I suck at talking to patients. My empathy just sounds hollow and empty, as much as I try. I also dislike talking to patients, and their families, and breaking bad news... All of which basically constitutes oncology. Blergh.
At least the next 2 weeks look way more interesting/likeable, with me doing my option in ICU! :D No pain-in-the-arse evidence-based reports to be done too, which is looking oh-so-attractive after struggling through my oncology one today. And so much for this rotation being slack; I was in the hospital more hours last week than a typical gen med week -.-.
Tomorrow will be the end of this darned rotation, and to top the cleansing of unpleasantries, I am also meeting my PPD mentor in my routine end-of-rotation meeting just because he wants to (won't be seeing him for at least another 10 weeks I hope). At least I've already heaped my damned portfolio onto him (a pile of steaming turd would probably be pretty similar to what I wrote), and it is hopefully satisfactory to him. So not looking forward to the meeting.
I'm just so, so, so glad and relieved that oncology is over!!! I guess being in a job that you absolutely and utterly hate can make one feel like killing oneself, as evidenced by my mood last and this week. Although I'm not in total love with med, at least things have been tolerable.
Maybe I should get a bottle of champagne/wine tomorrow night to celebrate the end of this disastrous rotation :).
12:35 AM
Friday, March 08, 2013
Despite it only being a 3 day week this week (not turning up tomorrow), it's been a pretty rough week. Quite a bit of it can probably be attributed to the monthly female curse (well, I guess guys with haemochromatosis would disagree), but I think more of it could be attributed to this frigging bullshit of a rotation called oncology.
The planning is deplorable. There is nothing more annoying than dragging yourself out of bed early in the morning (while bleeding profusely down under) to get to hospital by 8am... Only to be told by your rotation-mates that the clinic only wants 2 students and not the 4 that were scheduled. Given that it was breast clinic and I'd already spent 8 weeks on the breast team for surgery last year, I was already reluctant to go in. Throw in being in hospital from 8-7pm on Tues (admittedly, VH and I ran off to a dessert place to chill after 5) and 8-6.15pm yesterday (tute started at 5pm. And then my brother told me at the last min to find my own way home, meaning it took me 1.5hrs thanks to public transport), I literally had to flop my dead corpse out of bed. Imagine the rage when I was told (upon reaching the hospital) that the frigging clinic didn't want me there.
To put the icing on the cake, they apparently told my rotation-mates that there's a session tomorrow if the 2 of us who weren't there today wanted to attend it. In short, I told them to kiss my ass. No way in hell I'm turning up at 8am tomorrow (when there's nothing else on and I really need to get started on my case report/online case shit) for this crap that I was scheduled to attend today. And not if I'd already attended my fair share of them last year.
Loads of the stuff that they have arranged for us to go to is just a mountain of turd. We spent 40mins waiting for the chemo nurse to finish her lunch, only to have a 5min discussion on: 'This is the chemo clinic' *crickets chirping in the awkward silence* 'If you doctors are called down, we've usually already sorted the problem out. You just need to take this extravasation pack out and read the instructions on it'. And then dismissed us after that.
I mean, I admit that it's pretty easy to detonate my seemingly infinite rage nowadays. But to make me spend a copious number of hours in the hospital learning just about shitall?! Fuck this shit.
Then again, I've been feeling increasingly low and somewhat empty/lonely recently and I don't even know why. I just feel like I'm sick of everything, and the temptation of drinking myself to oblivion is growing stronger and stronger. Except that I know if I start, I won't stop and it won't do to turn up to the hospital hungover. It doesn't help that I already display Parkinsonian symptoms when bored, which seems to be more and more during this damned joke of a rotation.
I feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and it's plain frustrating. My frustration's been displaying itself in my language and reaction to stuff, where I'm swearing a lot more and over-reacting to some things (excessively angry). It doesn't help that a lot of people around me seem to think I know what I'm doing, and it seems like they know what they're doing while I honestly don't.
Even if I want to, curling up into a foetal position and crying my eyes out won't help. I'm confused, exhausted and frustrated with all this pent-up rage that I don't know the source of. I guess part of it is due to being absolutely clueless about what I'm meant to do with uni stuff; I feel like a total retard. Piano teaching hasn't been helping, with my students being absolute fktards and cancelling on me last minute.
Maybe it's some sort of mid-life crisis. But it's almost like I'm losing a grip on my sanity, and the world is crumbling into jigsaw pieces that I can't seem to piece together no matter how hard I try. My brain tells me that alcohol is not the glue that will stick everything back, and will ironically melt everything to shits. Except that blunting of my senses and oblivion compared to feeling this crap seems like a much better option, even though it's hard with my folks around.
It's like my world keeps spinning in circles going nowhere at all, like some revolting and nauseating amusement park ride, and I want to stop the world and get off but I'm pinned tight to the wall, an angry wasp tacked to the wall by its wings. I don't know what to do.
12:33 AM
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Days like this where everything just goes wrong and you want to punch holes in the wall. Maybe I am getting a bit closer to being able to understand the oncology patients that I see who wonder why in the world a series of unfortunate events happens to them. Although no, mine are probably first-world problems and can't really be compared to the pain/suffering they endure.
11:09 PM
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
I think karma took great joy in taking a huge bite out of my ass today.
Today was the first day on oncology away from Armadale... And I wish I could run back to the comforts of Armadale, where I'm virtually anonymous since no one really knows me at all (and I could have my nice 9am starts). Besides my team and a few consultants.
Unlike Armadale, I've met so many people at RPH today unexpectedly that I might or might not have wanted to meet. While dropping my lunch off in my brother's ward's fridge in the morning, I met none other than Mr. Troll i.e. my PVD OSCE examiner from last year. Yes, it was that traumatic that I actually remember what he looks like since last year, when I saw him for a mere 10 minutes.
Then headed up to the oncology ward after orientation, and met my renal resident from last year. I tentatively went 'hi.... Do you remember me?' and he actually does! Oh dear. I then asked if he's the oncology resident and he went 'no... I'm the registrar'. *facepalm* Nice way to insult the registrar.
Had a look at the patient list, and saw this patient whom we saw on a bedside tute on a private ward at Armadale, thought he'd been discharged, then saw him on our ward at Armadale on our 3rd last day of term again. And yes, he was at RPH oncology too. Talk about fate indeed.
And no, that's not it. MW and I went down to the renal ward to talk to one of our patients (whose wife took a photo of us with her ipad without our permission and didn't explain why. Wth), and it was none other than this elderly renal consultant in the room next door. He kept trying to give us tutes in the last week of our rotation except that he couldn't actually find us because we weren't there. I quickly ran away on seeing him because he still remembers me (said hi to me while I was there for geries). Oh god.
Then went for lunch and went to get bubble tea. When I was waiting for the people in the lift to clear out, I saw this familiar looking guy in a bright orange cycling suit with a red bike, a helmet on and sunnies (it was admittedly difficult to identify him). I stared for about half a min (there was a slow patient walking out of the lift), then decided it wasn't DE and turned to talk to VH. Only for him to stick his hand in my face about 10secs after to say hi. He must think I was really rude to be staring at him for half a min and then pretend he didn't exist. And yes, it was DE.
After talking to a patient, VH and I went to look for my brother to see if he has any oncology patients on his list. Upon opening up on the floor we wanted, it was none other than the burns clinical nurse and one of the burns consultants on the other side of the door. Thank God they didn't recognise me.
So yes, I've had enough of unexpected meetings with familiar faces. I think I'm gonna spend the rest of the month repeatedly looking over my shoulder for familiar people and running away when given the opportunity. I'm re-considering working at RPH since I doubt my medical student record is gonna help with my reputation as a doctor in future. *facepalm*
In more serious matters, oncology is an honestly depressing rotation for me. I have no idea how people can get up in the morning and go to work to tell people that they are going to die in less than 6 months and there's nothing you can do about it. I felt so sad for this patient who found out that she has metastatic breast cancer to the bone and now cerebellum, all just 4 months ago. She tried to appear strong and upbeat while her family was around (and the family was rather wary and even bordered on hostile towards us), but got rather emotional when I took the opportunity of her family going outside for a bit to ask how she was coping. She couldn't understand how something like this could happen to her, and I obviously didn't have the answers. I didn't know what to say. I just put my hand on hers and told her to be strong despite knowing how feeble that sounds.
Definitely an eventful start to a rotation huh?
11:14 PM