The reader accepts, on reading of this disclaimer, that the Internet is a vast wasteland of crap that spews out of human minds. This blog is no different. Any assumptions or conclusions that the reader draws from this blog are not the responsibility of the author, along with any physical or psychological harm that might result from the reading of this blog.
Author
The author is a paranoid, deranged and cynical misanthrope who records snippets of her life so that she will remember them when she grows old and withered. The identities of any names or initials on this blog are based on the assumptions of the reader unless otherwise specified, and the author claims no responsibility for them.
Reality
The author somehow got into medical school. Yes, you of the general public, shudder and fear the wrath of an inept doctor.
Loves
Reading, Maisy (my dog), tea, writing (albeit badly), piano, music, junk food.
Hates
Almost everything else besides the things mentioned above.
Friends
Bao Cheng' Bernice' Chien Young' Chun Hing' Claire' Faustina' Felicia' Ferly' Gloria' Irene' Irene & Jiaying' Jac' Jiamin' Jiasin' Jiaying' Lutheng' Karene' Marissa' Melesa' Mingyi' My fictionpress' Pamelia' Pei Rong' Qiu Ting' Rachel' Satires Site' Stasia' Sylvia' The Clique' Vinette' Wenjia' Xin Rong' Xue Ying' Yanne & I' Yanne & Jamie' Zeena' 203'
Archives
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Chat area
i scanned in the treaty, and here it is all for you to enjoy.
click on the links here for a better view.
The honourable words of the treaty and the thumbprints.
The beautiful signature of Pamelia Chia, aka Timmy.
8:21 PM
I m currently scanning some materials into the computer, and so I shall update simultaniously.
this morning, melesa and i were bored and so we struck up a conversation, which is private and confidential and i shall not mention it here no matter how much money you are gonna bribe me with. my sanity is worth more than that... we saw this familiar person walking towards the GO's side door, the one beside the staff picture's board. sorry for the atrocious english... it turned out to be Sauron, and i m right this time as she was wearing black. i was feeling rather awkward n so just uttered "erh... hi..." meekly. then she went "having your morning stroll?" n started laughing. i was like yeah right.... interesting isnt it?
lang arts
for some reason, i have gotten used to this writing style, so pls excuse me if you cannot stand it. mrs ng was obviously not in a pleasant mood, and would have gladly bitten off my head if i had offered it to her. of course, Sauron's head or hand or God-knows-what was cut off as well, wasnt it? revenge is always sweet...
Lesson on IT
I apologize that i m not using the copyrighted term of ITE as I dont like it... somehow, ITE reminds me of "it's the end". maybe i m being paranoid... the lesson was hilarious. we didnt do anything except our omnium portfolios. loads of people were laughing at my display picture. i shouldn't have taken crazy columns for OM. i should have taken laugh-a-thon. but maktub... it is written.
project work
well... our group didnt have to present, and i wouldn't wanna criticize the other groups as i know they had put in tons of effort. i was whooping with laughter when i saw xueying. as i said, i wouldn't comment on the performance. but overall, it was pretty amusing. i m contradicting myself... i said i wouldn't comment on it, but i did. how contradictory can i get?
chinese
i liked xin rong's group's presentation. and sheena's singing of course. lao shi seemed to have enjoyed it alot.
maths
i finally got some answers. ms lee was so proud of me that she started crying. kidding...
after school
this was the best part of the day. i locked pam outta the classroom, and she spent abt half an hour begging people to help her open the door, but it was xinrong, mingyi, peirong and i who ganged up against her. anyway, we got her to sign a treaty of OM that she would agree to be timmy the toilet roll for our presentation before allowing her into the class. we got her to put her thumbprint on the paper and sign as well. we used sars' calligraphy ink as the ink pad. so her thumb was all black after that. and she looked really upset as she was late for guzheng as well. as i had already said, revenge is always sweet...
anyway, i shall go off now since i have to do my annotation. i didnt do it last night. so adieu!
6:09 PM
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
today was really a bad day for me. got picked on a couple of times... correction. tons of times. let me start the recount of my day, which was such a beautiful disaster...
lang arts
Really unfortunately, i was rather restless and when mrs ng posed that question to us, i was discussing it with jac, and the roving eye came to rest on me. i was appalled, as i thought i had mastered the skill of invisibility in lang arts lessons, and some other lessons. it's quite disappointing to realise that i havent. when we moved into our groups, sars and xr chose to sit right infront of Sauron, who ironically, was wearing white today. but doesnt Sauron wear white as well? ignore that line of gibberish. anyway. was shocked when i saw them both sitting under the roving eye, and i exclaimed in a highly audible voice "MUST WE SIT RIGHT INFRONT?!" and of course Sauron heard what poor Frodo the hobbit said... and chose to comment on it. alleluia. Sauron went "look! discussing about your horoscopes again.*gestures towards me**sars and xr sniggering away**i m looking really embarrassed and at a lost of what to do* and so, today's key question is "must i sit here?" i was really dazed today, and thus didnt predict correctly what Sauron was abt to say. i thought she would have gone "yes, you must sit here." but as all of you know, I m not a walking oracle and cannot predict what's gonna happen.
Chinese
Zeena's group came up to teach the lesson, and i enjoyed myself quite much until i was asked to answer a question. i was innocently paying close attention when i heard my honorable register number called. interesting isnt it? the moral of the story? never pay attention. by the way, i didnt even know what the question meant and was amazed at my sheer ability of scrying into the crystal ball after what happened during lang arts...
Science
We had our lesson in class, and ms lye gladly proclaimed that she would choose two people who looked especially lucky today, and the roving eye once again rested on me, though jac misunderstood and thought ms lye was looking at her. so i had to draw the atom of magnesium, as xueying outbeat me and went to the board faster than I did, thus i didnt have the choice to do the one on boron which had less molecules to draw. what a moron i was not to have chose boron. get the pun?
Geog
The language lab rang with shrieks of anguish when gmail took a long time to load our ppt, thus we didnt get to present. what a pity... our presentation was superb, in our group's terms. we spent a long time doing it and took our very own pictures. sad isnt it?
History
Structured essay test/quiz/God-knows-what. i blanked out halfway, as i expected i would, thus i didnt bother to study. i m very certain that i would flunk the whole thing. it would be the 3rd test i failed this year. pretty sad right? but it would raise my hopes to break my record of the number of tests/quizzes/God-knows-what i failed last year. how optimistic/aspiring i can get...
Anyway, i shall go off to annotate my TKAM before i get slaughtered like a mockingbird tomorrow. actually, i have already annotated it, but well... shall double/triple/quadruple-check my annotation and see if i can get more insights. goodbye!
4:39 PM
Monday, March 28, 2005
i m having a terrible headache at the moment, and i m probably gonna take a panadol then continue with my art and chinese speech. taking a break. been feeling sick the whole day, esp during PE, of which it was the first time in a really long while i got a stitch. rather sad... anyway, i m rather depressed at the moment. i dont know why, but i have this premonition that the dance thing would end the same. without understanding, everything always ends the same. like the crisis. i have gotten over it, but my instincts just started sounding the alarm bell during the dance practice today, for some reason, my sixth sense is really accurate. you cld ask xr if u wish. like today, i was saying "i hope lao shi is absent" n lao shi came walking to the door. everytime i say "i think mrs ng forgot abt our lesson", she wld come into class. mayb i m psychic or something, but i rely alot on my instincts after LSC and another issue, of which what i felt the day before really came true. for some reason, i wasnt looking forward to LSC from the monday onwards. before that, i was pretty enthusiastic abt it, having made a class cheer with xr even. but for some reason, i knew something was about to go awry, but i cldnt see what it was coz i was having too many things on my mind, such as the OM performance. mayb i m just over-reacting. mayb i m too sensitive n look into things too much. but i just cant seem to stop feeling fustrated, for some odd reason. i guess i m insane, n shld b chucked off into the asylum.
4:10 PM
Thursday, March 24, 2005
well, there are two flowers sitting happily in my water bottle at the moment. i just pray it doesnt breed mosquitoes... anyway, thnx to shiru, irene, jiamin n eunice for the flowers. although i didnt get any from anyone including my cca mates for last yr's choral nite, i m not surprised i didnt get any from them this yr as well... after what happened during the rehearsals, i must say i inevitably agree whole- heartedly with the author of that blog which described our sch's girls to be stereotyped and ignorant and spoilt brats, who treat everything as their granddad's. one of the erhu sectional leaders throwed a tantrum, and of course everyone had to fuss over her... i pity those in the erhu section. i cant stand such people. but isnt that a typical girl from our sch? such a respected member of society, i cant imagine how she wld ever make it out into the real world. all these respected members of society know is throwing tantrums, shouting at others to shut their trap, screaming profanities as though it's the most appropriate thing to do. u cld say i am cantankerous for all i care, but people have been saying i m cynical for like how long? i forgot to add ANTI-SOCIAL in. i dont ever see how i can communicate with such people who wldnt understand what i m saying for half of their lives. the other half is spent with them whining at the top of their whinny voices. as i already said, i totally agree with that poor guy who was so appalled with the behavoir of girls from our sch. he is a total genius, although i m really amused by the choice of words he used. not only amused. in a way horrified. anyway, today mrs ng was pretty insane, as much insane as how hyper i was. esp during project work. chinese was pretty boring. we spent the whole lesson finding pictures for our ppt, n to our great astonishment, we realised that president George W. Bush is a prisoner of war! ok... we typed prisoner of war as our keyword on the google.com image search engine, n his handsome face appeared. lang arts. i have gotten the hang of annotation, as i used to do it but was too lazy. sars asked me some ques on it, n i explained it to her, so she has gotten the hang of it too. i may wanna annotate the whole book, though i think it wld take a really long time, n i may need another copy of the beautiful book(sarcastic and not sarcastic at the same time. figure it out yourself) as my atrocious handwriting wld be scrawled all over the place, making it a really abstract piece of art, of which mrs teo wld gladly give me a F as she wld b so DELIGHTED by such an artistically inclined student. project work. i pray that our beloved mentor didnt faint when she read our reflections... for example, we wrote that our assistant leader did not even know who our high n mighty mentor was until we showed her today. throughout the whole of project work, xr n i were really hyper, n the teachers must have been on the verge of whipping out their handphones and giving a call to the mental hospital, with the news of two lunatics on the loose. they were staring at us for the whole time, n xr spent quite a long time imitating them, resulting in the raucous laughter erupting from our grp. btw, mrs ng told us not to b so joyous. annotate that please. and she asked us y we were not nominated since we managed to take all the weights, n i said the design. she asked further, n i was like coz they had not enough weights to see whose structure cld stand more weight... n she was like uh.... as i already said, i was hyper today. history. was pretty interesting... better than other lessons. maths. zeena was very depressed when i pronounced that ms lee was coming, n asked someone to shoot ms lee down. i was like pass me the rifle heck, the mad dog's coming n zeena was like i totally agree. that was really mean, but it's just a JOKE, which means an anecdote used to evoke only laughter and nothing else. CME. peirong n i were planning to hide in the toilet, but lao shi was there early, so we cldnt escape from the roving eye of sauron. anyway, just now my sectional leader was asking us to give more respect to our assistant sectional leader, n i was like filling in her sentences. i have been doing that the whole day already. then i added in n said that respect gained is respect earned n it sorta shut her up. when i went back, i saw some people comfortin my assistant sectional leader, n one of my snrs was saying some philosiphical thing i regretted not hearing, n my assistant sectional leader said that she didnt understand what my snr said half of the time. i told my snr that she neednt b too upset, i can understand it as my classmates dun understand me half of the time too. anyway, i shall go off now. cya!
10:30 PM
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
lim peh, thnx for tagging. i m glad someone understands what's going on in a life like mine. anyway, i havent written a recount for a helluva long time. lao shi finally came back, but she looked really pale. she's one strong woman i know who wldnt give up no matter what. why i say this of her, i dont really know, but i just have this feeling of her. i guess she has charisma or something, like how Glenn at the LSC managed to make me respect and listen attentively to him no matter how much i hated the Seal Sports people as well as the costa sands activities. charisma really matters in this world. lang arts. i did my annotation at 11 pm last nite, thus i was half asleep n didnt annotate much. i felt considerably guilty coz i had tons to write, but didnt have the time to write it as i was feeling depressed as i said in my last post, n was writing an essay on the school as i was in no mood to do annotation n did it only to please the high n almighty. and at the moment, i m giving one word answers to irene on MSN as i m in no mood to chat as well. i need my thinking space, but i dont wish to make her feel ousted by me. i shall stop digressing. i will go continue on my annotation later i guess, as i pray it wld take my mind off some things. i cant lock myself up in my rm like all others if they want. i have to care abt my parents. if i lock myself up, no one wld take my dad's calls. i dont think my dad wld feel very gd. i put myself in his shoes, and felt that it wldn't be nice if u cared to call and no one picked up the phone. i dont know who to side, but i will help whoever needs help at the moment. anyway, shall continue with the recount. geog was next. presentation. we realised last minute that i sent the half completed ppt to my email, thus we cldnt present. but mrs chan said that the first person to hand up that form wld get to choose whether to go first or last, n xr was like right infront so well... science. i cldnt fight the temptation to finish reading 1984. i m fascinated and freaked out at the same time by that book. i dont know why, but u wld know if u read it. i feel as though i m in Winston's shoes. i cant have a mind of my own. everything is planned and controlled by someone high up there, n i m so afraid of betrayal and death. the mental torture he went through... anyway, i finished the bk after sch n borrow another two bks. assembly was fine, though i wasnt very pleased with the cohort's reaction when they heard about the blog issue. everything was because of the content and not the meaning behind it. and when Mr Tan asked us to pat ourselves on the back, xr, sars n i were doing the "shou zui" action that lao shi did during the TKAM movie. Mr Yam was laughing. anyway, maybe my expectations of the school are just too high. i must say the author of that blog is a genius, n xr fully agrees. shall go do my annotation in peace now.
5:06 PM
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
i sorted out my thoughts on what happened before during the free chinese lesson today while reading 1984 by George Orwell, and that's why i ran off to the washroom. i guess i wld just forget it from now on, as lim peh said so. for some reason, i just felt like running. i felt so enclosed and claustrophobic, with half of the class shouting like there was a riot going on. i guess i didnt care abt what others wld have felt when i did those things, but sometimes i just need some quiet and thinking space, so i apologise if i appalled you with my eccentric demeanour. anyway, there's geog tomorrow, and we are gonna present our geog project, of which i pray mrs chan wldnt(do i not pray or pray...) get a concussion in her cranium when she faints after reading our wonderful and inspirational report. and one more thing. pls forgive me if i actually offend you in the next few days. my parents are undergoing a cold war AGAIN, n i m the poor messanger sandwiched between and torn apart. i dont know why, but i am always the innocent one involved. my brother prefers to stand from afar and munch his popcorn while watching this drama going on. "And the truth shall set you free". i really see the irony in this phrase. try climbing into my skin. you wld finally understand the pains of seeing the world through my glasses, though i know some of you already are undergoing it.
8:23 PM
Monday, March 21, 2005
i am feeling very tired, both physically and emotionally. i havent had any time at all to quieten myself down since LSC, or even get a proper rest. but i cldnt sleep at all for the past week. have been thinking about many different issues, and the earliest i slept was 11.45pm. maybe i m suffering from insomnia, but i just cant sleep, n i had to even cry myself to sleep on some nights, for no apparent reason. it's like sometimes i try and "get outta" myself and look at myself from the outside, then i just start to cry. i dont know why. but i refuse to show this in class as i dont want others to worry n stuff. but who wld care anyway? i hate my life. i wanna throw in the white flag, declare it to be game over, but i cant. every bad memory is for some reason shouting out at me, like a soundless black and white film. i cant stop it, i cant do anything but sit there helplessly watching it, sobbing away. i wish to say it's all a nightmare, but i know it isnt and that i shldnt delude myself any further. but when i face up to it like what happened during LSC, this is what always happens. what do you think i can do? it's not like i want it, this is a one-answer question. there is no other way out. every exit has been blocked in, every sunbeam blocked out. darkness surrounds me, slowly devouring the child in me, my happiness... but i cant stop it. i dont have the power. i am just helpless. so i will apologise before i snap at anyone and make them cry.
6:28 PM
Sunday, March 20, 2005
i just ate my dinner after coming home from our geog project and guess what's the time now? 10.10 at night. our dilligent group members started at 5 for some reason i wld explain later on and ended at abt 7.45, of which i took abt 45 mins to get back to kovan station with sars. anyway, let me recount what happened in the past few days.
Friday
Well... had our debates camp, of which our sch people which was amandas, jia sin, hwee yanne, li sian and myself were late by 45 mins. i am pretty sure we left a great impact on everyone...
Saturday
Debates camp again. we had to do a debate and the motion was this house would censor the media. jia sin and hwee yanne were with the prop while amandas, li sian and myself were with the op. we did it with marsiling sec, chestnut drive and northbrooks if i m not wrong. we drew lots, and the poor nuts(we named them nut 1 and nut 2) from chestnut drive got 1st and 2nd speaker while amandas got 3rd. but she was so reluctant and so li sian n i were like ok. let's draw lots amongst ourselves. and guess what? i got the paper instead. so i was 3rd speaker. but the whole thing was really funny, n it's like i was laughing n laughing, so were the others. hwee yanne was 1st speaker for prop. she did a pretty gd job... at least better than what i did anyway. it's like i didnt even wait for the guy to accept my POI, n i just blabbered on. so it's like the adjudicators were like "you have to wait for the speaker to say whether he accepts your POI. esp the 3rd speaker from the op(aka me)." but i was so amused by him, so i went sorta mad... coz like he was saying that the media shld censor as u can get it on the net, n i was like then y censor? it's a waste of money since u can still get it on the net. n he was like that's my point.. then everyone was so stunned n started laughing. haha. they didnt wanna say who won or lost, but we all know like yeah... but according to the standards of the singapore debates association, they said i did alright except that i was too aggressive coz i deemed the prop's case to be ridiculous as i really tot it was ludicrous. hwee yanne n jia sin said so too n jia sin laughed till she teared coz like she said i was really funny... i guess i shld bcome a comedian when i grow up...
today
went for sunday class n realised there wasnt lesson. so i got up early for nothing. urrgh. it was palm sunday. ok.. nvm. i met sars at abt 3.30 n we went to lim peh's house to do our geog project. we are such a great grp rite? well... it was really nice n funny coz we were slacking most of the time... n i really pray that mrs chan wldnt faint n get a concussion when she reads our written report. it was really just done for the sake of being done n we lengthened the words as much as we cld, so it's just a few points but we made it abt 1 n a half pages or so.
i guess that's all. i m really not looking forward to sch tomorrow. i havent done my history assignment and dont know how to do it. the debaters wanted to do it together, but we got so carried away gossiping abt teachers that we forgot all abt it. but as we all know, i m a major procrastinator, so can the teachers blame me?
10:07 PM
Thursday, March 17, 2005
our class n grp's waving a tearful gdbye to anyone going for OM nationals in our class. even though our structure managed to take all the weights that were available, 2/1's also did. n their design n skit were better than ours. but at least we did better than the sec 3s n others. i m pissed coz like the sec 3's structure cant even take the crusher board n they r in, we are out. sigh. unfairness of the world. what can i say? i felt it coming, n it did come. i dont know what to do anymore. mayb it's a call from God to ask me to go back to Heaven with Him. or hell. i have tried to numb my feelings on this issue by forcing myself to study n stuff, but it nvr helps. it just keeps shouting out at me, reminding me every second, hounding and chasing after me, like a fire spreading with the wind, a hawk hunting down its prey. what's the point of carrying on struggling? why shldnt i just allow the fire to burn me, to burn my soul with all it's troubles and burdens? mayb i shld do that, anyway, what's there left for me? the raging fires, the blizzard, the storm... everything is such a beautiful disaster. including myself. i really wish to travel back in Time, i dont care abt how much pain i must go through. i really long to go back to my childhood, although it wasnt happy at all, it was much better. i wish for those trivial happiness like just eating an ice cream, receiving a lollipop. who wld care abt such things now? sweetness of life is all gone. gone with the wind, washed away with the torrents created as Time goes by. wearing that white uniform almost everyday of my life. routines really kill people. that uniform is nothing but just an exam script, with those 2 sacred red words as your grades, your passing mark into today's society. choices. do we have the choice to say we dont care?
6:48 PM
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
i have been thinking abt the crisis thing again. i chatted with sars online yesterday, n like i told her the most possible reason why i cant get over it. i cant look squarely at myself in the mirror anymore. i promised myself that i wld b tough n not shed a single tear in the sch, but i failed myself, as i have always been failing myself. i feel like such a big failure. it's prob my ego, but i cant look at myself in the mirror anymore. i cower in fear when i look at my reflection. my eyes seem to be another being altogether, reproaching me, looking disdainfully. i really dont know why, but i feel totally lost n confused. like being stuck right in the middle of a maze, with nothing but evil around u, waiting to pounce when u make even the slightest move. i cant get over it. i really cant, no matter how much i try to block those thoughts out. i have forgiven the people, but i cant reconcile with myself. this sounds very ludricrous, but for some reason i m even frightened of my shadow at times. it's just like this other being mocking at me, branding me a weakling, reminding me of my mistakes, reliving my past and stabbing me again n again. i cant tell myself that it doesnt hurt. it's bleeding incessantly, dyeing my skin deep scarlet, an invisible ink only visible to myself. it's drowning me, it's draining my energy away, making me useless n weak. i try to appear to be tough, but i think that the mask is disintergrating and dissolving with every drop of blood flowing out of my wounds. i m just struggling against the currents, battling the odds. very soon, i will just be dragged along, finally losing all hope and collapsing. i can feel it coming, like how i felt the breaking down come before LSC. i can sense things, but it's impossible to split the Red Sea and allow myself to walk through it harmless. my wounds are open, the saltwater is pressing against it, making it even worse. every wave overwhelms me, reminds me of the many events of which i had been wrong. it never ends. it goes in circles, coming and going, reminding me every so constantly of all my scars, infecting my wounds, tearing them even more apart. i feel so drained. after putting in so much effort to keep up and fight the currents, telling myself that i can overcome the odds, it always ends the same, pushing me even further out from the shore. i really cant take it anymore. i want to give up, but this cruel ringmaster wldn't release me out of my cage. i cant do anything at all. i can only stay in my cage, licking my wounds, helpless, while He whips me again n again, opening my wounds when they r healing. i cower in fear everytime He raises His hand. but i m helpless. i cant do anything but tolerate. but how much more can i take?
8:54 PM
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
i just climbed into the class. literally climb. all for sheena n pam to get the damned glue for OM. yeah... n my ankle hurts. not to say my toes coz i had to squash my socks rite into my shoes n it ended up too tight. my uniform is so dirty, i m amazed my eardrums r still intact. anyway, i have been blog surfing, n i saw alot on the "crisis". it turned out that it is labelled as JOLENE n gang VS FELICIA n gang. since when did i become a gang leader? *taps chin in mock thinking* i know that tons of u out there think i m a big weakling coz it was the first time i broke down infront of u people coz of such a thing, but i really cldnt take it. if i had the courage, i wld have run outta the class n jumped off. i really wanted to take the penknife at the back of the class after that to slash my wrists, but mrs ng came in n spoilt it all. sigh. shall stop saying such dreary stuff. what's over's over. i m trying to get over it, but it's hard, coz for some reason it just refuses to stop hounding me. i hate my life. stop the world. stop everything. i m getting off. i m taking out. i cldnt stand CO today. for some reason, this bout of depression hasnt left me for almost 3 wks straight. mayb it wld nvr leave me. mayb i wld take it to my grave. i have been very depressed, so i apologise if i actually snapped at u people or something. but it's been a very turbulent wk for me, with OM, loads of quarrels, the crisis etc. i've been thinking alot. so many people in class r trying to delude themselves that people have matured, but have they really matured? if they have, wld this thing have happened? i mean, i admit that i wasnt mature enough n let my temper get the better of me. but i wasnt the only one who was pissed n stuff. in a way, i spoke up for others, though i did it too harshly. but i think it's abt the family background thing again. my parents do that to me all the time, n so do i do it coz if i dun, i wld nvr be able to speak. so i think i was too harsh. my parents r not the kind who spoil me n like speak softly n keep admitting that they r wrong n i m right n allow me to have my ways. everytime something happens, we wld talk it over during dinner or something, then we wld have a little debate n like show each other's points, though it's like a shouting match. but i learnt to stand up for myself n like that's y i speak so harshly at times. i learnt it the hard way though. what a beautiful disaster that is. i know that some people havent forgiven me for all i have said, but i have already apologised, n u dont expect me to bow down n worship u to b forgiven. i m not that kind of person. shall get away from that issue. i was thinking. we were given free will. we chose to make our lives so difficult. but y? can we not make it so difficult? forget abt grades? it's impossible, coming to think abt it. our environment makes that so. imagine if u failed all ur subjects. u wldnt even get a job next time. look at how competitive everything is. i mean, if that's called free will, i wld rather not have any. it doesnt make anything better. free will... do u even have a free will to choose to have a free will? sounds paradoxical. just think abt it. tag if u want. i m not holding u at knife-point to make u tag. i m giving u a free will as to whether u wanna tag or not.
6:01 PM
Monday, March 14, 2005
i just came home and had dinner after OM in sch. having cca tml... sigh. i hate cca. gonna quit CO when sch reopens. i cant stand it anymore. btw, i CANT WAIT FOR DEBATES DAY CAMP ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! ok... i m being hyper. but i really cant wait. anyway, i just read peirong's blog. i asked zeena, xr n peirong the other day while waiting for the campfire to start what they wanted to be if they were given a choice. zeena n peirong said they wanted to be eagles. xr said that whatever u b, u wont b satisfied with it after sometime. i said i wanted to b a griffon at first, but after xr said what she said, i really think she's right. no one is ever satisfied with anything they have. i really hate OM. i really have no time for my homework now. today is already gone with geog lesson n project work. tomorrow n thurs will b gone with CO, of which i wld b LEARNING HOW TO HOLD THE BOW WITH THE JNRS. thank you so much... wednesday is the only day for homework and research for project work. thurs is OM judgement already n cca. friday n sat: DEBATES CAMP! sunday: geog project. look. this is called a HOLIDAY. i m very AMAZED.
7:48 PM
Sunday, March 13, 2005
anyway, shall talk abt the chang tsai thingy again, since it's the hot topic on sars' blog. i think that it's not just our sch that's too marks orientated. it's the whole of Asia that's like that. i mean, look at it this way. even if u go to any friendly neighbourhood sch, there's still competition there. like it's just Asia. the parents here are so marks orientated. if u dun wanna look at S'pore, look at China. the poor kids over there wake up at abt 4 AM if i m not wrong and go home late at night. who's worse off? but personally, i think PE and art are more for relaxation, and like the sch, even though we know it's really marks orientated, shldnt grade us on it. i think it's very sparstic... people like me who are artistically retarded cant draw, so of course we would fail our art miserably rite? and like the grades wld really demoralise those who think highly of their art work but dun get gd grades coz the teacher doesnt like it. i m not demoralised though, coz i know i cant draw, cant paint, cant do any gd piece of artwork besides VERY ABSTRACT art. actually, we shld also b more self-aware. like we shld try to crawl into changtsai's skin. if u have this class of rowdy kids that do nothing but shout and play around instead of trying to focus on getting the skills, what wld u do? i wldnt b surprised if u wld have burst out into tears n walked out on the class rite? judging from what happened during LSC... i think the teachers are already being very patient with us. like look at our dearest form teacher. even though we used to say "huh" last time n sometimes now, she still doesnt shout and scream at us. i think we shld adjust ourselves to each other's level instead of just staying at your own level and criticising the rest who are above/below our level. i mean, why must they move up/down to your level? why cant YOU do it? yeah... that's all i have. cya!
11:00 AM
Friday, March 11, 2005
i just came back from OM even though we just broke camp this morning.. we stayed back to do OM. on wednesday. wont talk much. the "crisis". been thinking alot abt it, but shall shut up b4 a tsunami of verbal abuse comes my way. on thurs. pr, zeena n i were rather irritated by the instructors. how the hell do u break your limits if u must just sit there n shut up until they ask u to cheer ur a*s off? mayb they r trying to break our record of the amnt of time we can sit n shut up... shattering limits indeed. friday which is today. we reached sch at abt 12 midnight after the campfire n were so exhausted. on thurs, i woke our side of the class up but today i was too tired. haha... n i had set my alarm to 6.30 although it was like 6 when we were awoken. talentime was uh... as usual, we didnt win a thing. we got 2nd for a game though. the ping-pong ball on the spoon. i realised that our class is a really quiet class. like this kinda stuff we can do well. n like we play chess n stuff, unlike others... ok. at least i do play checkers. lolx. then pr was forcing everyone who took biscuits to take more than one. i was tempted to take the broken half inside n say that i took one n a HALF... haha. anyway, shall go off to get a nice long shower. cya!
2 stanzas from one of my poems.(describing what happened on Wednesday.)
So is it worth it?
Or should I just quit?
Quitting is for people that give in,
Which is something I might have been.
But now I stand tall and bear it all,
Because no matter what, I am never going to fall.
I can't hold myself up forever,
Everyone falls, even the clever.
7:04 PM
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
we had our OM judging today. great... our grp still doesnt know whether we r in or not coz "THE DECISION FOR THE GRPS DOING QUES 4 IS DELAYED." great. really great. i was cursing n swearing at the PA thingy in our class. poor pr... sigh. now the hope of anyone from our class getting into OM nationals lies on our grp's shoulders. we r so HONOURED. n ms teo was one of the judges. xr n i were saying that hers was the only face that was "friendly". the other judges were stony faced. but they said our material(script n stuff) was very gd. but our structure... during the 2 hrs of which the other grps were performing, we were doing up our stuff. then mrs ng came in for some reason. n i was wearing my baggy pants, of which were really loose n baggy coz they r my mum's. not to mention long. n i was wearing our sch's blouse. so i looked really weird. then she came in, i was busy doing the stuff, so i was like heck.. then mingyi was playing with our "crystal ball" n it smashed into our structure. we even laughed... at first it was funny, but well... then mrs ng n sars' grp was staring at us. haha... then we went to prac outside the class. i said some stuff wrongly, n i was like "oh damn! i screwed up again." n mrs ng was nearby. i went to hide myself. then xr was like "if u ever do this, i m really gonna screw u." i think that was a vulgarity she said, coz mrs ng was like telling us not to use vulgarities in our skit. mrs ee was in the judging rm too... sigh. anyway, the peak performance thing was so boring. again. n i left my camp booklet with the cute little holder as well as my precious pencil case in class. sigh... anyway, shall go off to pack stuff for LSC. cya in abt 3 days later, if i m still alive...
6:57 PM
Monday, March 07, 2005
well.. i m having a rather bad headache at the moment. as usual. it rained halfway during assembly today. n it was the first time i looked forward to the actual sch song, but they cut it short coz of the rain. n i was saying rather loudly "y cant we just stand in the rain?" then mrs ng came n said "yeah. showers of blessings rite?" then i was like "no.. showers of love". btw, only sars n i wld know what showers of love means... haha. then during assembly, we said hi to ms lee, n ms lee was like saying to me that i shld work hard n stuff, n i was telling her that i was very sad that i got an A for everything except maths n prob geog, since we still havent got back our geog quizzes. i got an A2 for history, of which i m really proud of... haha. then we had the peak performance thing, of which i deemed as boring the first moment the teacher opened her golden mouth. i m being sarcastic, mind u... n i really think it is a big waste of money, since like we already know most of the stuff? the "river-crossing" thing was rather stupid, since we have played that for a thousand times. i was just leaping on the "stones" n like my grp members were like "so fast?" haha... i was really bored. sigh. we still have it tml, n mrs ng wants us to participate more. shall talk more abt this later. after recess, we came back, but the teacher wasnt there yet, so we tried to cross the stupid "river" in 3 steps. i managed to do it. haha... wanted to try 2, but the damn teacher came. what a pity... my headache came towards the end of the lesson. so when mrs ng said that she didnt mind the teacher carrying on till 11.45, i was like "WHAT?!" sigh.. luckily she didnt. i was like "ALLELUIA! PRAISE THE LORD!" when i heard the gd news of the Lord. haha. pccg was so fun. we played blow wind blow, n mrs ng went berserk n went arnd shouting her ass off n running like a headless chicken. sars told me later that mrs ng sat on her foot... i m surprised sars' toes r still intact. haha. most of the people were shouting too. i didnt really shout though... was having a slight headache. after that, we did some personality test thingy n i m a crossbreed. bao said i was an otter, golden retriever n beaver while irene said that i was a lion n beaver. i myself thought i was a crossbreed between an otter n golden retriever...so interesting. anyway, we played some werewolf game after that. then we did the campfire, cheering n telematch prep, of which my headache came back again. sigh. i was shouting too much during the cheering i guess. after that, mrs ng came in n said a few words then dismissed the 3rd lang people, of which is the majority. i was the minority.. i was still having a headache, so was like yeah... mel also. mrs ng was staring at me when she said the silent majority, but i chose to shift outta her gaze. during pccg, she purposefully gave xr n i the personality test thingy last. yeah rite... then pam was next to me n she was packing her stuff, so i wanted to help her get the paper but mrs ng moved it outta my reach n started moving it up n down. urrgh. she misunderstood my gd intentions.. that's y it nvr pays to do gd in our sch. anyway, we did OM until abt 6 in sch. the grp owes mengyuan n i into their next lives. i did pam n our(xr n my) structure from SCRATCH. then we did some sorta banner/sign that said past, present n future. yeah... sigh. i really suspect that our structures r overweight. whatever... shall go off now. really tired after damn OM.
8:29 PM
Saturday, March 05, 2005
just came back from OM n dunman high's concert. damn tired... anyway, here's the list of events. first. piano lesson. then had to rush off for OM, of which i was LATE but early. reason? we all agreed to meet at 12, but in the end, i was the earliest though i reached there at 12.15. how paradoxical(such a word?). yeah. spent the whole time rehearsing, then towards the end, we found out that we were supposed to make the surface or base of the thing. n we need it by LSC. sigh.. we r so dead. anyway, had to rush off for the concert. was rather bored during the concert. the dunman high's conductor looked like he was swatting flies than conducting. mrs ee conducts like that also. no offence, but i really think he cant conduct. dunman high's CO is so gd that i m getting worried that our sch's CO wont even get a bronze. btw, we saw this person in the toilet today. she's from the alumni, n she was talking to us abt CCA n stuff. we means xr n i, coz our OM grp met up in sch. yeah. then she wanted to transfer her daughter over to ES, n i gave her mrs ng's name coz she asked for it. note the last 4 words. then i told her that xr n i were in debates, n she bombarded us with ques on debates n stuff. anyway, shall go off now. really tired... sigh. wished i nvr went for the concert.
8:21 PM
Friday, March 04, 2005
anyway, i m laughing my ass off at the moment. i just went to check out the packing list, of which i just glanced through yesterday. i just scrutinised it, n found that in fact, there was no need at all for a camping list coz 1: we all have common sense(m i sure?) 2: it's all trash. interesting rite? next, they wld b asking us to bring our momsies along in case we all start to cry or something. so interesting right? they might as well help us pack everything. abt 2day. during assembly, i was rather hyper. moved to the back coz there was not enough space infront. during pccg, we talked abt some stuff which was rather dry. then we switched topics to other stuff abt the sch, n it dragged on till the end of lang arts. sci was quite ok... dance. i really think the sch shld change peak performance for LSC to anger management, of which tons of people are in urgent need of. including me. i pulled a muscle while trying to do a right split, n it's still hurting. sigh. maths. i m trying my best to listen though i m rather bored. talking abt this, i had to take down feedback on geog during pccg as i m the damned geog rep. great... CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK. thank you VERY MUCH. after sch, we did the damned OM. n nearly died. it was really interesting when we tried to scrape of the glue that pam n sheena spilled onto the cabinet. first, we went arnd asking teachers if they had nail polish remover. when it was evident that none of them had, we decided to try the sci lab. they didnt have either... n i suggested hydrochloric acid in a desperate attempt. then we went to ask mrs ng, n she guessed as much, n said that nail polish remover wont really work. n she told us to go ask for some turpentine from mrs teo, n we honestly confessed that mrs teo wld slaughter us. n she said that if we admitted we were wrong, mrs teo wont eat us up coz she's not a monster n xr was like really? then she was like asking us to just go c mrs teo, n i was like "i wld rather jump off the building right now." n she was like "stop being so fatalistic" n xr was like "yeah, jump off the clock tower instead." interesting rite? i m really surprised mrs teo didnt force the turpentine down our throats instead. besides, we sorta got lectured by her. when we didnt even drip the glue on the table. it really doesnt pay to b gd in a sch like this. "senseless killing of songbirds". n like in the end, mrs teo didnt give us the turpentine. coz we had no container. so, we had to slot our guts out n scrape all the damned glue off the cabinet. n when we finished, we wanted to go get mrs ng to inspect it, but she wasnt there. revenge is sweet, but the curse isnt complete. what a pity... it must indeed b FATE. anyway, shall go off now. bye!
7:56 PM
Thursday, March 03, 2005
saw the packing list. i hell dont have a damn swimsuit. i do have it, but i dont really wanna wear it. ok.. this doesnt make any sense at all. btw, the teachers were briefing us on the treetop walk, on whether we wanted to wear shorts or track pants, n asked us to beware of mosquitoes. but i think the mosquitoes shld beware coz the whole bridge of screaming RESPECTED MEMBERS OF SOCIETY would probably scare the shit outta them. so interesting rite? n about the river crossing. if we were to even scuba dive in the singapore river, we wouldnt even be able to see ourselves. i wish Moses would descend from Heaven and like split the Singapore river? but anyway, who in the world cares whether we go home with rashes all over. that's even better. i can then skip the hectic cca sessions during the March hols. but honestly, i dont wanna miss the debates camp. damn... my snr from debates is gonna be one of those representing our sch in the casino debate tonight! um ok.. anyway, back to the camp. like the swimming pool at coasta(sp?) sands is only 0.9m, if my memory doesnt fail me. even a baby can swim in it... n i heard that there were some people from HCI(hwa chong INSTITUTION)who fainted when they did 3.6km at turf city. i was debating with my mum abt it. i was saying that MOE shld just abolish the whole damn concept of cross-country run allowing students to have adequate exercise, but my mum just said that they shouldnt do so as like it's just coz HCI was saving money by getting the poor students to walk all the way to turf city. she also said that they shldnt abolish it since it's already been on for so long. n i was like "since it's been on for so long, we should change for the better now that we found such detriments in it. n thus, this motion must stand(motion is that cross-country run shld b abolished)" n she was like what motion? i nearly fainted... she doesnt know anything abt debates, from my point of view. anyway, i shall stop digressing. someone stepped on my grave during lang arts again. i was tempted to shoot my hand up in the air n shout at mrs ng. can she understand that it's coz our environment doesnt have space for brains like hers? btw, i was thinking abt the assembly thing during assembly itself yesterday. when mrs chek(whatever her name is) gave us the 2 mins to talk, i only used one min to talk to xr, then the last 1 min i spent thinking abt the way she was talking to us, like she even bothered to give us space to think n talk... i really appreciated it. n it was that fateful moment that mrs ng stared at me. i was staring into thin air cos i was thinking abt it... whatever. i wrote abt the perfect parent thing in my journal last nite. i said that the perfect parent doesnt exist. n gave examples from my own experiences. after sch, jiaying was saying that she thought mrs ng was a perfect parent, n i was like "no way man...". it's like she asks her son to go away when she's thinking. doesnt she think that her son may have some stuff he thought abt he wanted to talk abt? n by shunning him, it's just as gd as making him keep it to himself. nvm... u prob wont understand, but i experience this at home the whole time. i m rather short tempered this few days coz of OM, so apologise if i just snap at u. yeah... during project work n recess, i took of my socks n sorta lay on the table at the back during recess. but project work... didnt dare to do so. so i just took off my socks n sat there. when the teachers came in, i just stood on my socks. mrs ng was staring at my feet as though i was insane. whatever. our structure is so damn overweight... sigh. anyway, shall go off now. cya!
7:17 PM
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
great. i have to go for the debates camp... during the march hols. well, i guess it's sorta gd, as i can skip CO... if i m still in it during the hols. *smirks* anyway, bernice n i went to look for ms sia after assembly 2day but she wasnt there. wanna quit CO. let's talk abt the day. chinese was sorta boring... nearly fell asleep. literally. lang arts. was quite ok... though i was rather spooked out again as i was asking xr whether mrs ng forgot abt our lesson, n she came in... oh man... geog. i forgot to staple my first pg of the wsht to my wsht, so it's like i wasted 6 free marks... damn. science. i passed! duh... n like got an A2? haha... assembly. was quite funny... xr n i were making some interesting comments n mrs ng was sitting right infront. there was this point of time i was sorta thinking of some stuff, so i just stared into the air, n mrs ng turned arnd n stared at me n i was like uh... anyway, i guess that's all yeah? gd luck to all coz we r getting our history tests back tomorrow...
4:30 PM
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
i m darn pissed rite now. guess what? i have to join the jnrs in cca coz i m not in syf... yeah. like i suck. can my snrs just use a teeny-weeny bit of their brains? if they even have one... i m prob gonna c ms sia tomorrow. they got me to go today for nothing... i was just standing there reading my bk. then after that, just went off. like what's their prob? just wasting my time... like my life doesnt revolve arnd the f**king CO... damn. i m just pissed at the moment. u can say i m undergoing PMS, but then u wld b saying that i undergo PMS everyday... great. my whole body is aching. had to go to fook hai to get more wood coz the rest of the damned members of my damned grp cldnt go. so it means i have to do it. even after i was so pissed during cca. n like my left hand was aching from netball yesterday. then after drama, it got much worse. great, really, it's so WONDERFUL. anyway, i shall stop being so cantankerous n go off before i get bashed up. thank you so much...
9:06 PM