The reader accepts, on reading of this disclaimer, that the Internet is a vast wasteland of crap that spews out of human minds. This blog is no different. Any assumptions or conclusions that the reader draws from this blog are not the responsibility of the author, along with any physical or psychological harm that might result from the reading of this blog.
Author
The author is a paranoid, deranged and cynical misanthrope who records snippets of her life so that she will remember them when she grows old and withered. The identities of any names or initials on this blog are based on the assumptions of the reader unless otherwise specified, and the author claims no responsibility for them.
Reality
The author somehow got into medical school. Yes, you of the general public, shudder and fear the wrath of an inept doctor.
Loves
Reading, Maisy (my dog), tea, writing (albeit badly), piano, music, junk food.
Hates
Almost everything else besides the things mentioned above.
Friends
Bao Cheng' Bernice' Chien Young' Chun Hing' Claire' Faustina' Felicia' Ferly' Gloria' Irene' Irene & Jiaying' Jac' Jiamin' Jiasin' Jiaying' Lutheng' Karene' Marissa' Melesa' Mingyi' My fictionpress' Pamelia' Pei Rong' Qiu Ting' Rachel' Satires Site' Stasia' Sylvia' The Clique' Vinette' Wenjia' Xin Rong' Xue Ying' Yanne & I' Yanne & Jamie' Zeena' 203'
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Chat area
It's the eve of the release of results, but I'm feeling strangely unperturbed despite fretting over the issue for the past 3 weeks.
Perhaps the recent family crisis (more succinctly put, my dear mother's psychotic ravings) have put such things into perspective. If I fail, I might take a year off and work full-time to earn enough money for me to move out of home. If I pass, I guess I'll just carry on and finish the course ASAP and then move out.
During the similar past episodes with my mother, I'd always been the one to crack and cry and get all depressed, but this time I'm not feeling any of that. Instead, I feel (incredibly enough) cooler and calmer than I usually am.
A (not so small) part of me sadistically wishes that every time she leaves the house, she'll never return again. I've had enough of the psychological abuse from her. For the past 19 years, I've been at her mercy, since I'd been too young (and naive) and unable to have my own independence.
With the advent of my maturity (how ironic, seeing that I've always thought that I'm mature), I've learnt to keep things under control and look at issues more objectively instead of constantly being submerged in my emotions. I think this is what's helping me keep a lid on my emotions this time, and instead of all that bursting into tears, all I feel is a fierce seething anger at my mother (and also my brother).
Not only does she not do anything to alleviate my burdens, but she instead adds to them. I've never been able to talk to her about my problems without it being turned into a joke and used like a double-ended sword to hurt me in return. All her expectations over these years have been incredibly unreasonable, and when many of my teachers mentioned it to her, she took her anger out on me instead for airing the dirty laundry in the presence of strangers. Unlike my brother, I'm supposed to juggle my academics, the chores and a part-time job. Her *dear precious darling son* is so stressed because he teaches a few tiny little children piano every Saturday that she has to help him with his laundry and chores, along with loads of tender loving care.
Oh wow. What about the tutoring that I gave last year? Of course that was easier. Teaching more than double the number of students my brother has is definitely a lighter load indeed.
To be honest, I don't care if she burns/rots/roasts in hell. If she punches me, I bleed. If she provokes me, I snarl and bite. She's getting what she deserves, and she will get what she deserves from me later in her life, when she's old and lonely. Perhaps that will help her to understand the hurt and loneliness that I've suffered at her hands, with those venom-laced words that she's hurled at me over these years.
I'm sure she's counting on my dear brother to pick up the pieces in future. But she's probably blinded to the kind of person that he is. He would not have the sympathy or patience for her. He already doesn't. All he does at home is the necessities of daily life on top of a few grunts with regards to her questions. He doesn't give a fuck about her. And if she comes crawling to me then, neither will I.
Yes, I do sound heartless. But the hate that's accumulated from the many years that have passed does not fade away into nothingness. It manifests itself as a foul, black seed and gains its nutrition from the blood and tears that flow from those inflicted bruises. Finally, when the time comes, it blossoms and explodes in euphoria when vengeance is possible. Revenge can be very sweet indeed.
10:57 PM
I thought I'd elaborate a little on the revamping of this blog.
Some of the inspiration stemmed from a recent nightmare that I had that had its roots in a certain event in a certain school regarding a certain teacher :P. I'm guessing that you've all guessed that yes, it was about Xinrong's momsy.
Apparently I was so deeply traumatised by the time that she yanked my hair during that fateful PCCG lesson that it's cropped up in my nightmares about 7 years down the road. I just wonder what Freud would say about that.
Just to refresh all your memories, it was during this PCCG lesson where Xinrong and I were sitting together docilely and chatting away with little regard for what Mrs Ng was saying when she snuck behind me and yanked my hair. Fine, admitedly it was my fault for chatting, but it demonstrates her undying love for Xinrong since she chose to abuse me instead.
Returning from the digression; I thought it was such a waste for this blog to just wither away into obscurity. Besides a few phantoms who frequent this place, I'm not sure if anyone even bothers to read it anymore. After all, it mutated into a few infrequent uninteresting rants about academia and other mundane issues in the recent years.
I was thinking that a change in URL and perhaps layout (if I get the time) might provide me a fresh start on blogging again. I do miss writing; it allows me to dump my silly little raves into a quiet alcove somewhere in the bowels of cyberspace. In some ways, it gives me an outlet to relive the good times and also dispose of the horrid ones that usually happen at uni. It's akin to the cleansing of the soul, or more crudely, Dumbledore's use of the penseive in Harry Potter (yes, I can hear the groans arising from the horrible analogy).
I was also rifting through my old blog posts from the good ol' times in NYGH, and I do have to admit that I really miss those times. The memories that I've tried to keep bottled up in order to open myself up to the possibilities of new friendships have just inevitably spilt over in light of the shitty ones that I've forged at uni. The word 'forged' is indeed quite apt here, since it's all just a farce; besides the ordinary details of academia, there's nothing else that I have in common with them. Also, as I've ranted to some of you, most of the people have meandered their way onto my personal hit list, which has grown significantly over the past 2 years of university.
The nostalgia that arose from the reading of the blog posts was the inspiration to revamp this blog. It was interesting to see how much and how little I've changed, and I really want to keep recording down these nuggets of my life (nuggets really reminds me of fast food XD) for me to ponder over several years down the road. My old posts allowed me to relive most of the emotions associated with those moments that I thought were significant enough to be recorded down, and I really love reading through them.
As such, I think I will make an effort to revamp this blog, though I will shift it to a different URL and start everything afresh. Perhaps Facebook will be a good place to announce the details about the new blog, and I will inform those that are welcome there. Obviously I don't want any of those imbeciles from uni (there are some who're nice, but I like my privacy) to suddenly wander in, so I'll have to think carefully about how I go about restructuring this place.
I might also get back to 'free' writing. As I mentioned above, I miss writing. Writing doesn't just entail blogging after all, so I might or might not start composing (for lack of a better use of a word) again. It really depends on the amount of time and frankly how bothered I am :P.
Alrighty, enough ranting for the time being. I suppose these 2 large posts make up for the large absence in recent times? :)
12:15 AM
Monday, December 06, 2010
I did promise to blog on a regular basis, but with the deluge of assignments, tests and exams, I guess I forgot.
However, since my exams ended on the 15th of Nov and I've more or less gotten over the aftershock of the blast (I suppose the release of the results on Wednesday will help me shake off the final vestiges of shock), I might as well get back on track with the revamping of the blog.
Exams were nothing short of disastrous; hopefully I passed everything, but if I didn't, it'll mean having my carcass hauled back to uni in Jan for supplementary exams. The unfortunate side-effects of an academic life indeed.
That said, I did make a note that I'll attempt to steer away from academic related subjects since they don't make me very happy. And it's not like I've been such a happy person anyway.
My mum's been driving me up the wall. Perhaps not literally, but if this goes on, I might just climb a skyscraper and jump off it. Yes, it's grating on me very very badly. I've been trying to do my best around the house, but apparently it's not enough and it's MY fault that she's having a breakdown.
Stupid Asian traditional culture bullshit dictates that a woman's place is in the domestic domain; aka we should just stay at home, practically live in the kitchen, do the chores and satisfy our husbands. Due to my obviously conflicting views with my mother (ironically, despite being a woman and being marginalised by such stereotypes, she actually colludes in such oppression), she insists that her mental breakdown was partly my fault since I refused to help with the chores.
The word refused should be scrutinised here. Firstly, I do help out. Sunday is chore day; my brother, dad and I vaccuum and mop the floor. I also wash the dishes after dinner, along with grocery shopping after uni. Secondly, whenever I offer my help with cooking, she rants on about how I'll end up burning the house down (which does have some logic behind it I guess).
With that in mind, I obviously refrained from suggesting that I'd fix meals. But wonders of wonders; my dear mother then says that I refuse to help out in the kitchen. FML.
I really wish I could move out on my own. But with the current financial constraints, I don't foresee that in the near future. I rather regret not taking up that Melb offer, though there's really not much point in doing so due to the unidirectionality of time (how unfortunate). Oh well... All I can do is shut my mouth and seethe in quiet anger till I can finally move out on my own. Sigh.
Right, I think I'll start a brand new post to wash this awful one out of the way.
11:53 PM