Disclaimer
The reader accepts, on reading of this disclaimer, that the Internet is a vast wasteland of crap that spews out of human minds. This blog is no different. Any assumptions or conclusions that the reader draws from this blog are not the responsibility of the author, along with any physical or psychological harm that might result from the reading of this blog.

Author
The author is a paranoid, deranged and cynical misanthrope who records snippets of her life so that she will remember them when she grows old and withered. The identities of any names or initials on this blog are based on the assumptions of the reader unless otherwise specified, and the author claims no responsibility for them.

Reality
The author somehow got into medical school. Yes, you of the general public, shudder and fear the wrath of an inept doctor.

Loves
Reading, Maisy (my dog), tea, writing (albeit badly), piano, music, junk food.

Hates
Almost everything else besides the things mentioned above.

Friends

 Bao Cheng' Bernice' Chien Young' Chun Hing' Claire' Faustina' Felicia' Ferly' Gloria' Irene' Irene & Jiaying' Jac' Jiamin' Jiasin' Jiaying' Lutheng' Karene' Marissa' Melesa' Mingyi' My fictionpress' Pamelia' Pei Rong' Qiu Ting' Rachel' Satires Site' Stasia' Sylvia' The Clique' Vinette' Wenjia' Xin Rong' Xue Ying' Yanne & I' Yanne & Jamie' Zeena' 203'

Archives

 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012 11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012 12/01/2012 - 01/01/2013 01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013 02/01/2013 - 03/01/2013 03/01/2013 - 04/01/2013 04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013 05/01/2013 - 06/01/2013 06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013 07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013 11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013 12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014 02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014 03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014 05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014

Chat area


 Friday, September 21, 2012

There have been many times in my life when I wished I had different parents. But then I guiltily banish the thought to some dark corner of my mind and forbid it from leaving the naughty corner, even as I see its evil eyes glinting in the abyss.

Inevitably, it comes back to haunt me, especially when I'm surrounded by many people whose parents are successful and influential. Don't get me wrong, I think my parents have largely succeeded in their own domains; my Mum as a homemaker, and my Dad (albeit in his previous job) as a banker.

It does hurt when I hear of people who talk about Mums and Dads who are doctor so-and-so. Or even my supervisors (whom I really respect) who have kids. In these moments, the human emotion of jealousy comes and bites me (deeply) in my rear.

I understand my parents try their best to provide me with as good a life as they can; and in many ways, the life they have given me is a lot better than anyone else in our family (and definitely better than their lives). But sometimes, I do wish that I had parents who could support me better. Not just financially/materially, but emotionally and academically. It's not like I can start a conversation about what I learnt at the hospital over the dinner table.

Perhaps what has prompted this sudden wave of thoughts is my Mum getting a new job as a supermarket food demonstrator. Sure, I'm glad she has a job. It will hopefully make her happier. But it's not really something I can turn up to hospital and go 'hey you know what, my Mum is a supermarket food demonstrator'. It's impossible for me to say that some small part of me doesn't feel kind of ashamed of it. I do feel guilty for feeling this way, but it's hard when you see the judging eyes of your peers.

And what I didn't expect was the incessant pestering to help her with this application and that activity due to the demands of her job (she has to fill in some form about how many packets of food she sold or something). If it were at a less crucial time when I didn't have a gazillion things going on and am in an extremely foul mood already, I guess I'd be more willing to help. Research has me drowning in a deluge of crap; exams are the extra crap on top of the crap. I have a presentation to finish by next Wednesday (presenting our project to a bunch of famous consultants in 1.5 weeks. It's a wonder I won't just stammer and faint), going away to present our project at a conference, finishing up our manuscript... On top of exams in about a month (omgomgomg).

What more, I'm having a major rage at one of my groupmates for research who doesn't seem to have an ounce (or even a germ) of decency. Fine, I respect that both my groupmates do not like research. But to do just about SHITALL because 'Oh, I have exams in 4 months' (yes, the very same exams I have) and ask to be joint first author?! Honestly, she should be glad that space-time-continuum travel hasn't been invented or I'd have reached through cyberspace and wrung her neck and made her the headless chicken she deserves to be.

And on top of all these, having the usual clinical workload to deal with. And stupid groupmate who seems determined to give me an aneurysm before I finish this year.

So yes, I do wish my parents could help me instead of hindering me. My Mum gets angry when I don't help her. It's hard to not have any support, be it familial or social from friends. It's impossible to dangle in the sky without getting dragged down and unfortunately, at this moment, just about everything is tying me down and suffocating me.

I don't have a life. It's hard in these times when I want a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen to me rage, and nod and pretend they understand. I can feel the strain I put on the few that are willing to allow me to do so, and it causes me to just try to keep everything in... But it's hard to keep walking down this road which smells of death and despair. The few strands of support I hold on to get more strained the more I rely on them, and I know that they will break one day.

I don't know what to do. I need help, help, help but I scream into this empty pit and hear the wailing echo of my desperate voice and I don't know what to do.

9:30 PM