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Author
The author is a paranoid, deranged and cynical misanthrope who records snippets of her life so that she will remember them when she grows old and withered. The identities of any names or initials on this blog are based on the assumptions of the reader unless otherwise specified, and the author claims no responsibility for them.
Reality
The author somehow got into medical school. Yes, you of the general public, shudder and fear the wrath of an inept doctor.
Loves
Reading, Maisy (my dog), tea, writing (albeit badly), piano, music, junk food.
Hates
Almost everything else besides the things mentioned above.
Friends
Bao Cheng' Bernice' Chien Young' Chun Hing' Claire' Faustina' Felicia' Ferly' Gloria' Irene' Irene & Jiaying' Jac' Jiamin' Jiasin' Jiaying' Lutheng' Karene' Marissa' Melesa' Mingyi' My fictionpress' Pamelia' Pei Rong' Qiu Ting' Rachel' Satires Site' Stasia' Sylvia' The Clique' Vinette' Wenjia' Xin Rong' Xue Ying' Yanne & I' Yanne & Jamie' Zeena' 203'
Archives
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05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014
Chat area
i have been thinking abt the crisis thing again. i chatted with sars online yesterday, n like i told her the most possible reason why i cant get over it. i cant look squarely at myself in the mirror anymore. i promised myself that i wld b tough n not shed a single tear in the sch, but i failed myself, as i have always been failing myself. i feel like such a big failure. it's prob my ego, but i cant look at myself in the mirror anymore. i cower in fear when i look at my reflection. my eyes seem to be another being altogether, reproaching me, looking disdainfully. i really dont know why, but i feel totally lost n confused. like being stuck right in the middle of a maze, with nothing but evil around u, waiting to pounce when u make even the slightest move. i cant get over it. i really cant, no matter how much i try to block those thoughts out. i have forgiven the people, but i cant reconcile with myself. this sounds very ludricrous, but for some reason i m even frightened of my shadow at times. it's just like this other being mocking at me, branding me a weakling, reminding me of my mistakes, reliving my past and stabbing me again n again. i cant tell myself that it doesnt hurt. it's bleeding incessantly, dyeing my skin deep scarlet, an invisible ink only visible to myself. it's drowning me, it's draining my energy away, making me useless n weak. i try to appear to be tough, but i think that the mask is disintergrating and dissolving with every drop of blood flowing out of my wounds. i m just struggling against the currents, battling the odds. very soon, i will just be dragged along, finally losing all hope and collapsing. i can feel it coming, like how i felt the breaking down come before LSC. i can sense things, but it's impossible to split the Red Sea and allow myself to walk through it harmless. my wounds are open, the saltwater is pressing against it, making it even worse. every wave overwhelms me, reminds me of the many events of which i had been wrong. it never ends. it goes in circles, coming and going, reminding me every so constantly of all my scars, infecting my wounds, tearing them even more apart. i feel so drained. after putting in so much effort to keep up and fight the currents, telling myself that i can overcome the odds, it always ends the same, pushing me even further out from the shore. i really cant take it anymore. i want to give up, but this cruel ringmaster wldn't release me out of my cage. i cant do anything at all. i can only stay in my cage, licking my wounds, helpless, while He whips me again n again, opening my wounds when they r healing. i cower in fear everytime He raises His hand. but i m helpless. i cant do anything but tolerate. but how much more can i take?
8:54 PM